Argued with my wife this morning.
I know. I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.
I am only supposed to tell you when we kiss, have hot dates, and give each other presents. I am only supposed to tell you about our vacations, when we get our debts paid off, and what we did for each others birthday.
However, my marriage has highs and lows. Ups and downs. Sometimes we are SUPER affectionate and loving and other times we honestly want our own space. I always love my wife and I’m pretty sure she always loves me, but sometimes ….(WARNING. I am about to be real….)
we don’t like each other.
The thing is – this is actually rather normal, but you would never know that if you read tweets or Facebook updates about marriage or if you watched the misc. sitcom with married folk. The tweets between married couples ALWAYS show a united FRONT (pun intended).
Let me tell you why this is a problem. In the past year I have seen SOOOO MANY couples get a divorce with NO infidelity, no abuse, no major money issues. I know more couples that are considering divorce with the same conditions.
They just don’t get along and because they think a NORMAL MARRIAGE means you are supposed to always be happy and always get along and because this seems like an impossible reality for them they then think something is wrong with their marriage.
They say things like, “I married the wrong person” or “We should have never gotten married in the first place” because their marriage doesn’t quite fit the mold of what they think it should be fitting.
Hear my heart – you should have happiness in your marriage, but you WILL NOT be happy all of the time. That’s not real life. Some days it’s sunny. Some days it’s cloudy. Some days are warm and some are cold. We don’t GIVE UP on living just because we don’t like the weather.
Today is a tough day for my marriage. Not that tough. Not TOP 10 worst moments rough, but uncomfortable. Tomorrow (or maybe tonight) things will be better.
I just want you to hear from somebody you know and respect that my marriage isn’t like The Cosby Show, but it’s still NORMAL – arguments and all.
Stay married. Push through your problems.
Be Courageous!
Shaun
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
So true, Pastor Shaun. Unity and oneness does not mean 24/7 compliance and agreement on all things. Frankly, the thing people fear the most (beaing real) is the best thing for marriage. If you truly love someone, and you acknowledge what is different about them and what can cause them pain, you can work through almost anything if both are willng, open and honest.
Word! "Normal" not perfect. Commitment is staying through all the ups and down for the long haul. It is worth it and it is all good…happiness is sometimes over-rated. Joy in fulfilling my commitment and living in the grace and love of my marriage is not. Thanks for sharing.
Excellent post, Shaun. And so important, esp for young couples to hear. My husband and I just celebrated our 18th anniversary. Has it always been "strawberries and rainbows"? HECK no! In fact, sometimes we've stuck with it just because we were BOTH too stubborn to give up.
You have to remember that YOU married an imperfect person and (hello!) so did your spouse! Life is imperfect! There will be stress! If you have jobs, kids, in-laws, neighbors, etc….. THERE WILL BE PROBLEMS! Commit. Stick it out. Keep going. My belief is that people lean WAY too much on emotion, versus what they KNOW. Same with faith…. you have to keep going, even when you're not "feeling" it… life is full of seasons.
My advice to couples: Don't give up!
I love this! My mother works in the court system and it's really sad to see all the couples that come through her doors and get a divorce. It's hard on them, their family, and if they have kids, it is most difficult for them. I'm engaged, but not married yet. I wish people really listened word-for-word to everything said in their vows to one another. We say "I do" to all of it, which includes "for better, for worse." Thanks for writing this. Many young people my age need to read this.
If in order to be successful in marriage my husband and I needed to be Cliff and Clair Huxtable, we would have not gotten married, taken our money and blown it on an exotic trip (since only perfect marriages last, why bother, we knew we wouldn't be). I love my normal marriage and I love my husband.
Shaun, this was a great post!!!
I have shared and pray others will read it and understand it. Thank you for sharing the truth. (I say the same about my children…They were 'normal-perfect boys,' not 'angels.')
Unfortunately our judicial system has made it easier to get out of a marriage than any other contract. It has also made it so the one the wins with the system is the one wanting the divorce, often allowed knowingly to lie about certain specifics (heads turned) so they get it and as fast as they want it.
The person in a marriage that may be going through a bumpy trail (along with the partners on their own bumpy trails) that wants to stand for their marriage and stay in it because they know just what you posted (and it is/was experienced for many yrs just what is stated) is true becomes a victim of the judicial system and they have no rights at all. The one wanting a divorce gets what they want and the other partner is dumped on the side of the road and abandoned by their partner that made a covenant with each other and God that special day of marriage.
part 1
We as a country need to fight for everyone's rights and make it harder for a marriage to be dissolved in "man's" judicial system. It has been researched and proven that a marriage at the brink of divorce even already separated…if the couple works on it; if interviewed around 5 yrs, that same couple will have no regrets that they stayed together….and most are happier than they ever have been.
Too often a couple does not realize they are still married by God even with the paper of divorce by 'man.' Couples need to go through (should be mandatory for each state's laws) a very structured and detailed premarriage program by professionals that have to have documentation of what they provide in the program and do it. A couple should not be married until they have proof they both have attended the complete program. There would be less divorces…..(divorce -money producer for the attorneys and the judicial system while no one wins in the family involved)
[Shaun by what I have seen you do a great job counseling couples before marriage....we need more of this-thank you and continue it]
God Bless all whose paths cross this page……………….
Part 2
I appreciate hearing this.
Shaun,
Precise and authentic! Chuck Swindoll once said: "The beautiful music of living is composed, practiced and perfected in the harmony of home!" When the composition is genuine and the practice intentional, the harmony will, even in its occasional dissonance, be perfected over time.
A wonderfully transparent post Shaun.
Peace,
Rod Sprauve
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