A few times a day I get an email asking for advice on a pretty challenging situation someone is facing. When I think sharing the situation would help the readers of this blog (as well as the person that originally asked the question) I ask permission to post some or all of the discussion. This is one of those times. I’d love for you to read the message and offer your sincere and transparent advice. Here it is:
I recently got married in April. I just discovered that my Christian husband has been looking at porn prior to our marriage and during. I do not know how to bring up the subject to address it with him. Do you have some advice? I am completely broken hearted over this and feel betrayed.
Let’s talk about it. What would you do? What’s your best advice? Have you overcome this type of challenge before?
{ 82 comments }
confront him, but in a non-judgmental way.
let him know your heart aches over it and that you want to get help together.
pray hard.
You have GOT to bring it up. The enemy loves secrets.
Talk to him in love. There has to be a reason for watching porn and it doesnt necessarily mean something is wrong with the wife.
In my case, I had issues from my past (abuse, etc) that put me into the world of porn.
I'm glad that I could discuss things with my wife.
Conversation is a good place to start.
There is hope for him.
God can deliver.
He delivered me.
I think the issue here is two or three fold. Wife may feel betrayed because in her eyes Husband does not feel sexually satisfied or pleased by Wife. May not be the cast at all. Wife may also feel like she is insignificant and Husband is insensitive. May also not be the issue.
Husband may have alternative views on nudity if it is soft core porn and more nudity than anything.
Husband may has notions of sexual deviancy and may find pleasure in watching sexual acts.
Husband may not realize the error of his ways and Wife may not be openly communicating to him her concern.
Husband may have a legitimate addiction.
Whatever the case I think the wife needs to seek God's wisdom, words, and discernment on the issue. She needs to ask for his guidance before she confronts her husband but without some sort of compassion he may become combative and defensive. She needs to talk to him in a private place without distraction. She should be willing to hear him out; truthfully. She needs to be receptive to anything he might say.
That is my best advice for step #1.
Maybe you could watch couples porn with him? or maybe you could try filming your own porn movies? Create porn for him to watch for when the two of you are apart. Just a thought.
My boyfriend of 3 years was looking at porn. I felt the same way. Betrayed and even like I wasn't good enough from him. I tried to get him help, and even encouraged him to talk with our pastor. He said he would, but never did. I knew of some other guys(his friends) that struggled with the same thing, and tried to get him to talk to them but he wouldn't. I actually broke up with him because of his addiction. Ultimately, I wish I would've stuck around and tried to help more.
Unfortunately, porn is an addiction just like anything else. He needs to understand he has a problem. Just pray that he will realize what he is doing is hurting you and ultimately the future of your relationship. I pray that God will open his heart and mind to understand how this affects both of you.
I've been in this exact situation. You definitely need to say something…in love. I think it is important to have scripture to back up whatever you say.
Job 31:1 says "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a woman".
Matthew 18:9 "And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell."
There is also a GREAT book called "Sex Isn't the Problem, Lust Is". My husband has it on CD and listens to it regularly to remember what God says about this issue.
I will be praying for your situation…that God will give you wisdom to know when and how to approach this. And, just so you know, it has NOTHING to do with you. Don't take on guilt or shame for not being pretty enough or thin enough or anything other lies that the enemy will try to tell you. In our case, we chose to tackle the issue together hand in hand with Jesus, and he is completely free.
I have now been married 14 years and had this same issue come up about 12-13 years go. I know that men and women view porn very differently, because we are stimulated differently. However I, like you, felt like he'd cheated on me.
We had several marital counseling sessions after it all came to light and learned some AMAZING things. Porn is a symptom of another issue, and that issue has to be uncovered. It could run the gamut so I won't even venture a suggestion. For my husband it was unresolved anger issues and he had to bring them to God. When something really bad went wrong (let's say we missed a bill, for a mundane example, and the water was accidentally shut off.) The counselor said, "Your porn clock is now ticking." Viewing porn w/in the context of an otherwise healthy marriage is considered "acting out" and only you, your husband and wise spiritual friends can discern the reason. Our counselor was not only an amazingly intelligent and learned psychologist, he was also spirit filled and was given amazing discernment by the Holy Spirit. (pt 1 of 3)
Having accountability for you and for him is CRUCIAL going forward. You can't keep quiet and stew about it lest you become bitter; it has to be brought into God's light. Once you begin to converse, it will get easier. And there should be 1 or 2 men in his life that will look him in the eye and say "Are you keeping your eyes faithful?"
For my situation, I accidentally found out, and when he realized I knew, he was SO distraught and remorseful. And YES It was HARD to look him in the eyes and say, "This makes me feel betrayed." We talked for several hours, alone, over drinks. I cried alot. I also sought prayer from and talked to my wiser Christian women friends who had been married longer than I had.
Also my pastor suggested we purchase Covenent Eyes. He put it on every computer at church, and it emails his wife a list of EVERY site he visits. $8/month is a small price to pay for full accountability. (pt 2 of 3)
and FINALLY …
And of course, dear woman, we must forgive our husbands as Christ forgave us. This man you've chosen to spend your life with is also a Child of God, just as you are, and once you make the choice to forgive – today, and again tomorrow, and again in 1 week – the "feelings" will fall in line with your choice. Like the tether ball analogy. The pole in the middle is your decision to forgive. Eventually that stinkin ball (your feelings) that swing wildly around will come down to rest, right in the center. Give it time.
Don't go it alone – the enemy loves darkness and keeping issues like this in the dark only makes them more powerful. Don't let fear of what other people will say keep you from talking about it. It affects FAR more people / marriages (even Christian ones) than you know. Blessings to you!!!
"I just discovered that my Christian husband has been looking at porn prior to our marriage and during."
Is he a Christian?
Does his life bare the fruit of the Spirit according to Galatians 5:22-23 or just pieces of the fruit here and there? In other words, has joy but no gentleness. Loving but prideful. It is okay to struggle with it but ask yourself, does he struggle with it and never takes it to the Lord or does he is broken before the Lord because he cannot take on these struggles in.
We can sit and throw out some therapeutic measures and all the internet porn filters in the world but without the change of heart by Christ alone, he is just going to "surf for porn" in his mind.
Start at the heart and work inside out.
From a wife's perspective…after the initial shock and confusion as to what is happening, the first thing she has to remember to do is to pray…although that would probably be the last thing on her mind. She should pray about when is a good time to bring up the subject. She should also keep in mind he might be defensive or even lie about it, but that's only because he got caught. There might be some argument depending on how she approach it; nonetheless she has to address it. She will take it personal, understandably so and it will take her some time to trust her husband. However, if she stays focus on God and remember who is the enemy, she will be ok. Lastly, beware of advice from friends!
I am not saying I am authoritative on the subject matter but the Bible is always clear it is a matter of the heart. That was the only way God broke me of my addiction to porn and bondage to lust.
Here is my testimony:
http://www.iamlivingproof.org/2008/03/29/one-year…
I agree with Joseph that it definitely makes a difference whether or not he is a believer.
If he is: you need to confront him over his sin, and it is sin whether or not it is "soft core" or "hard core" he is lusting after other women and is selfishly misusing the gift of sex to please himself rather than his wife.
The next step is to proactively get him into some sort of counseling with a pastor, mature older couple, or a program, but it is important for him to get this under control. Like any addiction, porn addiction is often a downward spiral and often times leads to adultery and other sexual sins.
are you serious? wow
so unless our lives show ALL of the fruits of the spirit we aren't Christians?
not sure i follow your logic. sure we need to strive for that, but show me one Christian who says show EVERY fruit of the spirit, every hour of every day in their life and i'll show you a liar..
the change is of Christ alone, you are correct. but Christians – deeply thoughtful, intelligent, loving Christians have struggles too.
Download K9 Web protection on the pc. Your husband loves you but is faced with the lust of the eye. This is a battle that all men including myself have gone through. I feel your pain, but you must be strong for him. Just download this http://www1.k9webprotection.com/ It is free and it will work by removing the issue without you having to bring it up. Once he notice that he cant get to it he will crave for another source, but realize that he needs help. This should spark up the conversation about the isssue and will help him to be set free by confession. REMEBER not to point figures or tell him what a bad person he is! If he is trying to walk with christ, then his spirit is probably beating him done like BRUCE LEE!!! WWWWwwwaaaaa! God bless and remember all things work for the Good of those who love J Dizzy!!!
The Christian world is having to deal with technology. Jesus deals with the heart.
I don't see porn as an additction. I know the definitions of porn habits allow it to be classified as an addiction but there is nothing making me or him or anyone look at porn.
Theologically it is lust, it is adultery and it is a sin. That works for some.
The wife must understand that in the guy's mind – looking at porn isn't cheating. It may be to God but to ourselves, it is a release. There is great beauty in the female body that we see and want to see.
Advice to you? Realize your man is broken and love him. Ask him what you can do that will help. Often porn viewing is desired to relieve stress, kill time, experience risk or something different.
While unmarried I have seen everything imaginalbe in the porn world. I now get sick looking at it because I have asked my fiancee to ask me if I have refrained. I have had to say no already and it hurts her and myself.
I've struggled with this very thing. I was addicted to porn for over 10 years AND a Christian for the latter 6 of those 10 years. It happens to scores more Christian men then we'd even care to admit. Studies have shown that 53 percent of Promise Keepers attendees viewed porn within a week before the event and over 50 percent of evangelical pastors said they had viewed porn within the last year. I'm not go much further into it here, but addiction to pornography is running rampant in churches across America & no one wants to stop it.
I say that to help you understand that this is not a unique challenge you face. There are other women with husbands dealing with the same thing you are. What does that mean? There are plenty of resources available (listed at the bottom)
You also need to know this: I know this may seem strange, but the fact that he looks at porn does NOT mean he doesn't love or care about you. It is not your fault that he looks at it. But you need to look at it like this: He doesn't just look at it. It's an addiction. Just as bad as alcohol or drugs, pornography is an addiction. It should be treated as such. To give it any less credit is to play with fire!
He has to want to overcome this addiction for himself and for no one else. If he doesn't do it for him, he's only faking it and the addiction will come back stronger and harder. I have no doubt that he loves you and would not want to do anything that would hurt you. The problem with his addiction is that he doesn't see it as hurting you. Men view porn and we think of it as something that effects only us because we are the ones watching it. That couldn't be further from the truth.
I think you need to strategically place some men around him that can call him into accountability. Because you have never faced this issue yourself (especially in the way he has) chances are good that most things you'd say would fall on deaf ears. He needs to hear from some Godly men that have won the battle with pornography.
Don't stop loving him. If anything, love him more passionately than you ever have before. I think this is incredibly hard because you don't FEEL like loving him because of your feelings of betrayal. Remember this: we cannot rely solely on our feelings to guide us. We must rely on God's Word to guides otherwise we'll be blown around like tumbleweed every time something dramatic happens.
Most importantly PRAY for your man! Pray that God would speak to his heart and reveal how his addiction is hurting himself, but most of all, how it hurts others. Pray for those Godly men to come around him and support him as he battle through this. I will not be won overnight. It is a battle, but the good news is, the WAR has been won!
I'll be praying for you and your husband. I know this is not an easy thing to deal with, but by God's grace, all things are possible!
Here are some resources for YOU, as the wife: Book – Every Heart Restored – by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker with Mike Yorkey
Website – XXXchuch.com
Book – Life's Healing Choices – John Baker – good for everyone to read, but especially enlightening for those struggling with addictions.
I deal with this on the level of addiction. I've been looking at it since I was 12 and now 10 years later I've been trying to rid myself of this habit for the past 6 years.
I have told my wife, and before I was married told each of my serious girlfriends about this problem in my life. It comes and goes in waves and the reason that I look at it has NOTHING to do with my feelings for my wife. The reason I usually end up looking at it is usually because I'm bored, alone, or feeling depressed. I talk to my wife every time that I slip up, and she asks me at random if I have been resisting temptation.
I use X3 Watch from x3church.com for accountability and I still have issues. However there will always be a way around any accountability item that you put up.
I've been down that road and currently have accountability partners that help keep me straight. I've been using xxxchurch's software for accountability, but recently (last night) someone turned me on to http://opendns.com It blocks and filters from the router side so you can't get to inappropriate sites from computer/phone/psp or any other device connected to the web in your home. "If your eye offends you, pluck it out" There's no shame in setting up every available means to protect you and your family.
As to your husband, I'd say approach him in love and if he doesn't respond to that take him to someone he views as a spiritual authority. (Assuming he's a believer. If he is, then his heart is secretly breaking on the inside anyway. Trust me.)
Watching porn has no place in a healthy Christian marriage. The Bible tells us to keep the marriage bed pure. Porn is about lust, which is a sin pure and simple. Sorry, you've got it wrong.
Watching porn has no place in a healthy Christian marriage. The Bible tells us to keep the marriage bed pure. Porn is about lust, which is a sin pure and simple. Sorry, you've got it wrong.
I see the proliferation of porn and our fascination with it as an indictment on just how far western civilization has led us away from being human. Rather than judge it, we could learn from it.
We've been so dehumanized by the efficient narrative of individual consumption (capitalism, and the post WW2 consumer economy) that we struggle to find ways to be human again that are often dysfunctional. Fascination with the body, arousal, the desire to touch and be known intimately, orgasm; these are all beautiful things about being human. None of these are sinful.
These things are ruined, however when the narratives that inform our identities are premised on instant gratification, convenience, and narcissism. These narratives circumvent relational processes that take time.
Getting off on porn is a ritual, and for many its all they can do to feel human. Its not the best way to feel human or exercise one's humanity. Rituals can be displaced with healthier ones. Ones that lead persons back to their original humanity as God's image-bearers. That takes time, and most likely will still be a form of sexual practice in cases like this. Hopefully a more authentic relational sexual practice.
These comments are all very enlightening, and I do pray that the woman seeking wisdom finds some sort of comfort through these posts. As a young single Christian woman, this situation is one in which I fear encountering in my own marriage some day. I greatly admire the woman for seeking pastoral advice and for knowing that she plays a major part in helping her husband break free of the chains that bind him. In short, I will be praying for this family; God is bigger than anything the enemy tries to throw at us!
Men don't realize how much this hurts their wives. Women don't realize that it's not about them. It's a man's brokenness that drives him to porn. Nothing else.
A Christ-centered program of forgiveness and love in community are the only cure. I've used the material from provenmen.org at Quest.
Paul
That is the dumbest advice by far. I wouldn't even want a hint of temptation. This is obviously a Christiancouple.
There are a number of ways this husband might respond, which could add to the hurt.
She definitely needs to get connected with a group / a biblical counselor that can walk through this process with her. It can be a very sensitive thing and a terrible trap for both of them. I read a book called "Boundaries Face-to-Face" by Cloud and Townsend which really taught me the biblical way of confrontation. I STUDIED that thing and it really equipped me and put my heart in the right place.
I was married once, and unfortunately porn addiction ran rampant for my ex and he didn't realize just how much it was affecting him and me. He wasn't very strong in his faith to begin with, but it became a vicious cycle as with any addiction. Lies, betrayal, and eventually abuse and abandonment. This doesn't become the case for all men and marriages, but it was for mine.
There is a book called "At the altar of sexual idolatry" by Steve Gallagher which I've been told is very, very good by my biblical counseling teacher. New Life Ministries with Steve Arterburn also addresses these issues very well and has support groups throughout the nation which I've participated in. (A book called "Every Heart Restored" was helpful through them and then there were support groups out of this book)
Knowing you're not alone is one of the most helpful things, and constantly exposing the lie that porn is ok is key. Both the man and the woman need accountability and help if porn has become an addiction. It should be treated like any other addiction.
I pray that it hasn't gotten that far for this woman's husband. It is truly, truly heart breaking. There is still hope for restoration because that is what God wants. He doesn't have to stay in his sin and God can give her the capability to forgive after feeling betrayed.
I think some men do realize how much it hurts their wives. I think some men feel trapped by it.
As many others have echoed, this issue needs to be confronted. You need to talk to your husband about it. Men aren't dumb, we are well aware that our wives don't want us to look at porn. We're well aware that it's destructive. We're well aware it's sinful lust. But we do it. Because we're addicted and because we're broken.
Men both want and need help to get over their addictions. He doesn't want to tell you for many reasons. Among others:
He's ashamed.
He doesn't want to hurt you.
He doesn't want himself to appear weak.
He knows this will make him vulnerable, nobody likes to feel vulnerable.
He thinks this can be hidden, both from you and from God.
He hopes you never find out because he's afraid it may destroy or severely hurt your marriage.
He wants the image that he has in his mind of what you think of him to remain high.
He doesn't want to appear broken, though that is completely what we are!
He wants your help with his problem. He may not admit it, he may not admit it's even a problem, the addicted rarely do. But the problem needs to be addressed in as loving a way as possible without minimizing the severity of the problem.
He needs to know you're not about judging him or heaping more shame upon him, but in helping him to overcome this and helping him to work with you in building a healthy relationship with each other.
You may (and probably do) feel betrayed, lied to, deceived, emotionally cheated on, etc. And I think these are valid feelings for you. But these need to be overcome as well.
Link to a ministry that can help:
http://www.purelifeministries.org/index.cfm?pagei…
Just an update. I am the one the posed the concern. I confronted my husband about it in a loving way and he flat out denied it. He accused me of diggin thru his stuff. That I am nosey and insecure. Even to the extreme of saying now I know why your relationships failed. I showed him proof and he still denied it. I told him that I had suspected it and wanted to ask him about it. His defensive reaction shows guilt. I told him that he is accoutable to be as his wife and his answer was I am not accountable to you but only to God. One of the main reasons that I did do further digging is becuase he has been out of work and I wanted to know if this could be a hindrance in him not being blessed with a job.
He totally turned this around on me and I refuse to accept his guilt. I gave him an opportunity to be honest with me. Why can't he just admit it?
wow I am so sorry – trust in the LORD with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.
Check the scripture in Galatian 5:22-23:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Paul didn't say fruits, he said 'fruit'. Imagine this whole fruit that is called lovejoypeacepatiencekindnessgoodnessfaithfulnessgentlenessselfcontrol fruit.
The point I want to get across that too many Christians want to pick and choose what their lives produce. "Oh I can faithful but somebody cuts me off and I am cussing a million miles per hour." Paul is saying here, this is what your life should look like and if it doesn't, pray desperately to the Holy Spirit for help.
So the honest question is, how many of us really truly want to be changed by God? Or our fits of rage, lustful passions or tongue that cuts like a knife are just part of how our DNA is put together by God?
There is no doubt there is struggle. I struggle as well. But the keyword there is 'struggle'.
With your mouth, you say things like "oh gossip is just something I struggle with". But deep in your heart you don't want to change or you think in your mind that God wants me to change so bad, He will have to come down here and do it for me.
Don't exalt yourself on high by thinking "Why can't he admit this to me?"
Pray that the Holy Spirit would break your husband's heart before God.
Once he lays his life down before the Lord, it is only then he can lay his life down for you.
I used to be addicted to smoking.
I used to watch porn.
I don't see porn as an addiction, maybe a habit at most.
We often just want to point the finger at the person looking at the porn. Shame on him, etc. And you're right, he's married, his sexual fulfillment should be in you and God has asked us not to lust after other women.
But that's only part of it.
Why does he look at it? Is something lacking? I didn't look at porn to get my fix, I looked at it to get off, it excited me, it was enjoyable, I did it. Too often the wife who gets knocked over by this stuff has some self-worth issues that go beyond the husband look for porn and many times aren't taking care of a husband's needs.
Does that make looking at porn excusable? Certainly not, but let's look at it from ever angle.
He needs to find sexual expression with his wife.
His wife needs to position herself as his sexual attraction.
It's a two way street. The lanes may not be the same size…but both parties need to be on the road.
I think this is a very important question for a struggling wife to ask. I recently interviewed a couple with this problem, actually – http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/05/26/podca…
I recommend going to PureIntimacy to find helpful answers about that – http://www.pureintimacy.org/
Equally important will be how the husband reacts after he is confronted. I had Fred Stoeker, author of Every Man's Battle, write a guest post about that on our blog – http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/04/02/rebui…
Oh, Sophie, he can't admit it to himself, much less to you. He's in utter denial, angry with himself, angry with you, and probably with God for letting him get to this place. I can imagine how hard it is for you to be in this place. I've been in a similar one and received great help reading a book by Dr. James Dobson, Love Must Be Tough.
I do NOT advocate divorce. Instead I advise the hardest thing — what Jesus gives us: grace. I do NOT mean to condone the behavior. I mean to let him know that you love him anyway (if you do) and that YOU are fighting for your marriage against the enemy. I think from reading these comments that you've got an army praying for you in this endeavor and for your husband to be freed from his addiction. I will say that in my situation, after reading that book, I told my husband that he had to choose between me and that behavior, that until he made that decision, he had to find a place to live and even went so far as to only meeting him in public places. It worked. He left the home for a few days, had time to think about all he had to lose and returned home. UNfortunately, it only lasted a year until he returned to that behavior. I will say, though, he was not a believer.
Wow, so many words! Suffice to say, my sister, you are not alone and you are not battling alone. There are many who have their armor on and their swords raised on the offense in battle against this thing that has your husband captive. I am praying for your strength and discernment and that God will place godly women around you who can be the ones holding you up when you feel like the battle is lost.
Thank you, Shaun for sharing this and for being a place where transparency and grace are demonstrated.
Sophie – Does he have a male or Father figure in his life that he really respects and is a man of God?
I'm not surprised that he lied about it. Lying is a way to protect yourself from exposure, but it looks like you need to take the biblical, Matthew 18, approach to dealing with this.
I think deep down a man feels like a failure in this kind of situation, but is in denial and refuses to take on that feeling for himself. It's tough because he's so caught up in his sin that he cannot feel the love of God anymore and is believing some serious lies. Porn addiction is helping him suppress whatever else it is in his life he's trying to numb himself from. Porn addiction is just the surface of his deep heart issues, and God doesn't want His son in this situation.
A person cannot get help until they want it. And once you have confronted a person, you can't force them to change. I know, Sophie, you probably feel very helpless and out of control in this situation. Understand your husband probably does, too. Even if he doesn't realize it.
You are going to have to start with yourself. Letting God change your heart. I know that doesn't seem fair because this is not your addiction. But we all can use some refining, and suffering produces endurance, character, and hope. (Romans 5) The refining of your heart will prepare you and help you to get through this time by completely and totally depending on God and God alone. God is in control.
As you seem like a goldy woman, I'm sure you've gotten alone with God about this already.
Start praying about finding a biblical counselor and find one IMMEDIATELY, start TODAY! Let this counselor help you prepare your heart to walk this journey with your husband and praying for him to finally be moved by the conviction of the Holy Spirit.
Please go to the website I linked above for Pure Life Ministries and give them a call as soon as you can. Do not walk this walk alone. 1.888.PURELIFE
I'm praying for God to give you the strength, because I know He will as He did for me.
"One of the main reasons that I did do further digging is becuase he has been out of work and I wanted to know if this could be a hindrance in him not being blessed with a job."
I hope you didnt say it to this to him.
I am going to take another angle. First, you are right for explaining why this hurts you and asking him to stop. You can even go as far as explaining why you believe he should correct his behavior. But I really dont think this is the sort of thing that should end up in divorce. i mean the blood covenant should NOT be broken over this. i mean if you found out that he was taking $50 of his money each week and spending it on the little dollar scratch offs would you get a divorce (gambling is a sin too)? or if a woman reduced her intimacy with her husband does that mean divorce? or if you became overweight because you have a lust with food problem?
the Christian family is so fragile and we allow some of the smallest issues destroy that union.
Great resources, Luke! Thank you for your website and for covenant eyes.
http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/04/20/&ldqu…
He doesn't feel safe. He knows you won't like the answer. He's trying to protect you because he doesn't think you can handle the truth and doesn't want to get in trouble.
Paul
Threre are no self- worth issues. I found it once in the beginning. My first marriage failed in an affair and the porn was the catalyst. He knows how I feel about it. We are all human and fail. In a marriage there is accountability. As far as his needs they being taken care of. There is no question about that.
Sophie,
Men have a hard enough time admitting that this is an issue for the to other guys, much less women, MUCH LESS their wives! I am not at all surprised to hear how that episode turned out. Being a man, and knowing where he's coming from, I would have given you those exact same excuses.
It's going to first take him admitting that he has a problem before anything else happens. Secondly, as I mentioned before, (even though I know I wrote a lot) he needs to find GODLY men to be open, honest, and transparent with. I struggled with porn for about 13 years and it wasn't until the 10th year that I honestly admitted to someone that I even looked at it! That admission by itself is a huge step.
I'm sure he's quite embarrassed and ashamed at his actions. Right now, you need to reaffirm your love and adoration of him ESPECIALLY since you've brought it to the light. He knows you're right, but he does NOT want to admit it. He needs to know, from you, that you don't love him any less because of his addiction. I KNOW that's hard to do, but if he's anything like me, part of the reason porn is so attractive is because it's comforting. The women can't talk back to you or argue or condemn you for any reason. When he looks at them, the cares of the world seem so small in comparison to how good it makes him feel.
Every time you chose to bring it up, he will feel as if you condemn him as a person and he will feel like you don't love him. Please just be there to love and support him. More than anything PRAY for your husband. I'm living proof that God can bring someone out of the situation and I know other men who have the same testimony. It IS POSSIBLE to overcome. You need to know that.
I'm praying for you guys & I can't WAIT to hear the testimony… but remember the TEST comes before the testimony!
These people are married. Why does her husband feel the need to hide his 'like' of porn? Is he addicted or does he just peek every now and then? Does he prefer it over her? What's the problem here exactly?
Get real people. I am a woman and I first want to say—this is NOT an issue. It's ONLY an issue because there are so many prude, insecure, judgmental people. Looking at porn is cheating? It is not. Also, women enjoy porn as well. Why is this being made into a male issue. I'm sure that more males enjoy it because men are in general more open when it comes to sex. However, women enjoy it as well. It's either something you like or don't like. It doesn't mean you are evil or a sinner because you watch it.
I am a happily married woman. My husband and I have been married for years. We both share a relationship with God. I would never allow ANYONE else to define what being a Christian and/or having a relationship with the Lord is…so please do not try. I KNOW what it means and I'm content with my relationship with Him…so is my husband.
I don't care who you are, what church you belong to, or what religion you are. I most of all do not care about what you have to say especially when you are not even being honest with yourself—because the truth is that WE are sexual beings. God made us that way. It's natural. We lust (you lusted after your wife or husband PRIOR to marriage and you still do now I would HOPE so!) You also see other people that you find attractive each and every single day—men and women. Again, women stop behaving as if you are as pure as snow. I am a woman. I know better. Just because you see an attractive person and notice they are attractive that does not mean YOU are going to leave your spouse for that person or even RISK your marriage to engage in sex with that person—-oftentimes you just notice. Who doesn't notice an attractive person??? You are lying if you say you do not. You still have eyes even if you are married. God gave you those eyes. Just so long as you are not staring at someone or actually lusting after them where is the problem????? Sometimes we notice others and never give a second thought to them.
Porn–again, what is the problem? If two people are married they should be able to be open and honest about sex—particularly if they are having sex! People today get married and engage in sex—-even engage in sex prior to marriage and do all types of things BEFORE marriage but then we want to be prude when we get married….we don't know how to talk about sex, we don't know how to ask for what we want, we are made to feel ashamed when we want to try something new with our spouse—-not with someone else! What is that all about? When you are married you should be able to enjoy sex freely with your spouse with an OPEN MIND. This is your spouse—not a stranger! You are married before God and the law. If no one is getting hurt, no one feels humiliated or belittled—or used/abused in some way–then where is the problem? If your spouse wants to try a new position or has a fantasy he wants to act out with you….if it's something that isn't far fetched then why wouldn't you at least try??? I'm not talking about threesomes or bringing ANYONE into YOUR marital bed. I'm talking SOLELY between man and wife.
The problem sometimes is that a husband (or wife for that matter) feels they are lacking something in their sex lives–maybe they want excitement, they just want passion, something different with their spouse but one spouse is not willing, is prude, judgmental……just can't approach them about it. It's ridiculous. Some use porn to fulfil those fantasies. Some use it to just get ideas—maybe they want to learn/become less inhibited. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, if anyone is married for a period of time—-the love is there–the passion is there—you still have amazing sex—-even YOU will want to try something new at some point. You will have spells when you go without sex—maybe one is on a business trip–or someone is ill…..why not use porn at that time. You are not out cheating with someone else. Your spouse is not cheating. He may watch but think of you while watching. He may want to try this with you or it may just be his/her release…..stress….you are not available….whatever it is…if it's not taking over your lives….if you feel your husband still lusts after you….if he takes a peek every now and then….why do you feel insecure about it. You don't like it? Don't watch. You could watch with him…. those people in those videos are a fantasy….they are not real—they are most times fake….they are not the type of people MOST people would leave their spouses for—NOT EVER. Get real! It's just a fantasy…that's it.
Pray to God for patience, understanding, discernment, power over your tounge, and a solution to the issue then talk to your husband. Also pray to forgive your husband, to heal your heart/mind/spirit and that your marriage becomes stronger as you go through this storm. Wait until you are calm and know that God is with you. Be honest about how you feel about what he is doing, how you feel about it etc. Hear him out & let him explain. Be clear about what you expect to happen, what you want to happen and your willingness to pray with/for him, to go with him for help, to stand beside him if he needs to go for therapy etc. until the issue is resolved. Love him through it. It is going to be hard, because it feels like a slap in the face – like a betrayal. Remember that he has a problem that he IS accountable for – and it is very serious and destructive to HIM. It is NOT a reflection on your or your attractiveness HE has a problem. He is very aware of the issue w/porn or he would not watch it without your knowledge. I am praying for your marriage.
Sophie. First of all I am sorry that you are dealing with all of this. It is ironic that you were asking for advice but the fingers have started pointing at you. Your husband has free will. He made choices ultimately because of himself.
I think that you will have to give him a little space for all of this to settle in with him. By his reaction you can see that this is a stronghold that the enemy has on him. The best thing to come out of this is that it is in the open. He knows that you know so there is no hiding anymore. I encourage you to commit the situation to the Lord in prayer, praying for God to turn his heart. As well let him know that you will help him anyway that you can. I am praying with you on this. Let’s see what God will do!
J Michael. Thank you. That is exactly right. He has free will to choose. The biggest deceipt is lying and hiding to me. Why is it so hard for people to take accountability and responsibility for their action and be brutally honest. Running and hiding from what the real deep down issue can only go on for so long. I would have been much happier and still would be happier if he could just admit it. I know he is ashamed and does not want to hurt me. Not too mention as before but he has been out of work for some time and is depressed. I'm not as judgemental as he may think. I have been thru alot of other things with him and I have stood by him and supported him.
I refuse to be blamed or have this turned around on me.Any posters on here that think that porn is ok… you seriously should take a look at your relationship with the Lord. Not too mention the lack of integrity and boundaries. Sin is sin.Period. Thank God HE can forgives us.
He only hides it because he knows you have a problem with it. He is in denial because you are going to make him feel ashamed. You are not his parent. You are his wife. If he feels you will be judgmental….he will not ever tell you. He may not feel there is anything wrong with peeking at porn. Men do it—and like I said—some women do too. Do not believe all of these men and women here who are saying they don't watch porn or that they are cured from watching it….they are lying. They may not buy it—-may not own it but remember—long before porn was on film or in magazines—people fantasized—-they always will. They will fantasize about their spouse and sometimes another person too (but it doesn't mean they would ever leave their spouse for that other person or even cheat) It's natural.
I think those who say different….are just lying to themselves and this board. Over time people change…..people gain weight….people look different….people grow older…more tired…busy——you may not find yourself as physically attracted to your mate as you used to be…especially in cases where people have truly just let themselves go and go in a terrible way (and some do). It's different if you are sick or had children and gained a little weight….no one expects you to remain the same but if you gain 200 pounds (man or woman) and just become a slob–don't take care of yourself at all…don't dress up like you used to…that could become a problem over time…You love your spouse take care of yourself for them… in the cases where one loses attraction……even if you do TRULY LOVE THEM and don't desire anyone else at all……. you may use porn to help you get excited. This is reality. Is someone going to say that what I am saying is not true??
Again, if someone uses porn ALL of the time….is watching it day and night….if it is taking over your lives….the other would rather watch it than be with you as opposed to just peeking at it sometimes THIS IS A PROBLEM and you have a right to be upset about it. If you have a spouse who is insecure or a prude—-it will be a problem but it's not YOUR problem—it's their problem. You need to help them through and respect their feelings but it won't stop you from watching porn if you truly desire to watch it sometimes. The woman here who said she left her husband because he watched porn?? That's crazy. You'll be alone forever then because most men watch porn at some point. They are not all crazy about it or even look at it all the time….but they will look and do look if the opportunity presents itself to them. Men are visual beings… The others here who are installing spyware on your computers to hold your spouses accountable…..BIZARRE…okay! That's insanity. I would do that to my children ONLY but never to my adult spouse and I certainly wouldn't allow my spouse to do it to me! You are only forcing the man or woman to look even more and they will somewhere else if they truly have a REAL problem and if they don't have a problem…they will just end up resentful of you for treating them like a child and a criminal! What kind of marriage is that??? My spouse and I don't have secrets…we use one another's computers etc… and we communicate openly. I have never felt the need to spy on my spouse and I hope he's never felt the need to spy on me. Many of you are creating unnecessary stress in your marriages and lives…crazy to me! Anyway, I just had to say this after reading some of these posts! If you cant' be honest on a message board where you are anonymous basically—then I wonder what you are like in real life????
This is a serious matter and heart-breaking for the young lady who asked the question. There is no easy answer. Here is my two cents worth: 1) Porn can be and is addicting 2) when confronted, it's just like confronting someone having an affair – it will be denied until there is absolutely no way to further deny. 3) Many, many Christians are addicted to porn, of the group, a good number of them are pastors.
I don't know how many of you saw Kirk Franklin a few years ago on Oprah when he admitted being addicted to porn, but he shed a lot of light on the subject.
BTW – I don't care how saved we are, when we get caught in an immoral situation, the last thing we want is someone spouting scripture.
This was helpful for me, written by Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill Church.
http://relit.org/porn_again_christian/
Plus its free!
Wow. Take a breath, then read what you wrote. Im glad you are passionate about something, but wow. I suppose you have been hurt in the past or something; this immense frustration must be coming from somewhere!
I absolutely disagree with the filthy lies you are trying to proclaim as truths. God does not want porn in a marital relationship. Is doesn't belong. We are to look at each other and treat each as spiritual beings, not sexual objects. What part of porn is glorifying to God? None. A man who looks at another woman, in pornograhpy or even fantasizing, and has a "wandering eye" is being disrespectful to his wife. (Likewise a woman to her husband) Pornography is evil….if you think God approves of it, you are lying to yourself and creating your own truths to write-off your own lustful sin.
Ridiculous. Yes, woman fantasize as well as men….true we are human beings. But that does not mean you allow Satan to get his "foot" in the door with even watching a little porn every now and then. I mean, come on, when does a little watching become too excessive? To God, if it is not glorifying to Him, it needs to stay out. There are no gray areas. It's black or white, right or wrong. Stop trying to blur God's truths to fit your particular situation. IT'S WRONG PLAIN AND SIMPLE!
I think a man should find counsel and accountability from other men. This video gives a great perspective: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcpotyZ_oSM
We will pray for you!!! Are you serious??? Please stop thinking with your penis.
I have recently experienced this with my boyfriend.. and we have been together for a almost a year.. I have always been very upfront about everything..Yet he never was.. This addiction is something very hard to overcome if the person does not understand the love of Christ. As I sat there and heard him tell me about this addiction of 3 years, I felt betrayed and as if i was nothing to him. The truth is the problem is never you. TRUST ME. I thought the same thing. I know you may feel like you should be running away and just saying I am sorry, but it is unacceptable. The truth is that you can't. The enemy will recieve complete satisfaction. Pray that he confronts you about it. I forgave my boyfriend no matter what because I know that the holy spirit was dwelling within him to confess to me and to his pastor. I suggest that you do Coventant Eyes. It really has helped him and he has been going on a fast for while now. Aside from that he keeps busy and we have become involved in our church even more than before. these are the times when seeking God is the right thing to do.. Praise him even though you are hurting..
Remember that God will bless those who seek and recieve him.. Allow God to take full control.. PLACE HIM first and not each other… Human will always fail on you and you will always hold anger in you.. If you put GOD first this situation it will allow you both to grow greater with God and each other….I can honestly say that I thank God for this.. As odd as it sounds, it is the truth.. I fall in love with him more and more as I see how he is becoming such an incredible man of God. Please do not blame yourself or him, and especially God. Thank God for this situation because it is just allowing you to become so intimate with him.. Seek him when you are feeling at fault or that you think you will never satisfy him….You will..I know you will overcome this with him. I pray for you and him to take this as a test of faith from God. Stand by him and let him know he isn't alone. Many christian men suffer from this..Constantly let him know you care for him and talk about this.. Don't let it be a shadow you never want to see.
In Christ,
R
Well, I caught my husband looking. He has lied numerous times and claims he is a Christian. We have gone to counseling and I have read all the statistics about the “Christian porn addiction.” Sorry people, but it is a hogwash excuse for men who “use it as a crutch” to get their wives to stay with them and not divorce them.
We are in the end times of this world. I have no sympathy for anyone who looks at that garbage. If you TRULY have accepted Jesus into your heart you will not desire filth. I know because I am a Christian and it disgusts me that so many churches condone this behavior. So if all these women will forgive their husbands and divorce them, it will stop. Murderers go to jail so why should we excuse adultry? Think about that long and hard. If all women would divorce pornography users, these men either wouldn’t do it, or they would keep doing it and stay single or maybe marry a less than classy wife who doesnt care. If you don’t respect yourself enough to stop looking at that garbage, what does that crap say about what kind of person you are? It says, ” I like looking at filth” and if your husband loves you that much then what the crap does he need that for? I feel I deserve much better treatment and am probably going to get divorced. It just isn’t working out for me. I have forgiven my husband, but I don’t cast my pearls before swine. Leaving him will make me happier and more peaceful for the simple fact that I cant imagine being intimate with him anymore. It totally disgusts me. I will happily stay single for the rest of my life. Sex is SO overrated. I can do without it and men for good. I am much happier by myself.
I'm not sure if I can be of any help, but I am in a similar situation. I found out a few years ago, and have been struggling with it since. I love my husband dearly, but this makes my heart ache. I've confronted him, but mostly I think I went about it the wrong way, and he ended up mad at me for checking up on him on his computer. The whole situation got turned around on me, which was clever. The words were "I turn to that when we aren't intimate enough." This only made it hurt worse, and made me feel like it was my fault. I've cried about it, prayed about it, and now I'm not sure what I can do. I've also found a handy little trick that most browsers have now "private browsing" which doesn't record any searches, web pages, or cookies. Making this situation less harder to detect. Not that I need to even check the computer anymore. I know that when I feel that urge to look, I already know what I am going to find.
I do all the house chores, I work from home, take care of our 17 month old child — he comes home from work and stays up late to do this. I don't look at anyone else. I am not surrounded by men all day, like he's surrounded by women. And now I am withholding. May not be the right way to handle this, but every time we are intimate, I can't help but wonder if he is thinking of someone else. Or imagining the videos or pictures he's seen. I can't compete with that. I can't compete with those women, its not even close. See? Its really effecting my self esteem. I never thought I'd let a man do that to me, but it has happened.
My question is why is it okay for him to look? If it is not okay for me? I've asked him, but I get no response. It does feel like a form cheating. I've tried to tell myself that it's just for stimulation needs, and that some men need that. But if I am being truly honest with myself, I don't believe that for one bit. It's just another excuse. And it hurts worse now that we have a daughter. I can't stand that stuff being in our house even more now.
I know I probably wasn't of any help, but it's nice to read similar situations and advice. The previous posts have given me a lot to think about.
Let him bang you all the time
Be a total slut for him
Harold, I would suggest that you learn a few things about women before giving advice to them. The world is full of women who've been sexually abused and are already hurting. When I fell in love with my husband I thought the days of being rejected were over until I caught him looking at porn. I want my husband to only look at me, sure. However, I also want to share the sexual reaction he has towards me with him. How does a woman receive love from her husband if he chooses to masturbate instead of make love with her? A woman might be able to hide her feeling from him and pretend to give him what he says he wants, but you shouldn't expect anyone to ever make you be faithful, you should be faithful on your own. Be a man and keep all your sexual urges for only your wife. I believe God wants men and women to keep their sexual urges under control and only to be shared with each other, not with yourself. God Bless, your sister in Christ
This is all true. But, a real christian man will stand up and be a man to his wife and not have two faces; one for church and praising God and another for self fulfilling purpose not satisfying his wife sexually because he does it himself with Porn.
that is what happened to me. He changed his passwords, created passwords, changed bank accounts, and more. Now wants a divorce. He stopped attending church for weeks. I told him we needed counseling and I didn't get married to get divorced. Told him if he wasn't with another woman, I had no biblical reason for divorce unless he abused me. He still didn't go to church and opposes counseling that it won't work
I pray our marriage makes it.
WOW. The bible doesn't mention anything like some of what has been suggested here. Porn is not good for any marriage. It takes away from the trust and marriage bed. Even if a women thinks it okay and somewhat condones it for a while. The ramifications of how it affects the marriage bed will continue when the wife feels the consequences of it.
God created everything, and he created porn.
God is perfect and would not create anything that was not perfect.
Therefore, porn is natural.
Funny, cause you folks proclaiming your purity are the same ones paying prostitutes, sleeping with your children and just being miserable human beings.
The church we went to for counseling has a support group for the men and NONE for the women!! So Christian men use statistics to show that it is common to look at pornography? IT IS A CRUTCH!!! And I was also told to read a book by this so called counselor and the book said "when a man doesn't feel like he is respected he looks for admiration through something else" (In other words, he looks at porn to feel "better" about himself. ) The problem I have is he went to a site called http://www.lonelycheatingwives.com!!! These girls are NOT models!! They are everyday ordinary trashy women!! Believe you me I found this site and was completely disgusted!!! So to all you guys out there saying to pray for you? How about you use the WILL God gave you and get addicted to something else!!
Women are tempted to look at men too. I have been tempted but you better believe I dont allow myself to go there. So when you are tempted because you feel bad about yourself, then by all means choose something else to do! If you want sex so bad do that with your wife!! Stop being selfish. SIN HAS MAJOR CONSEQUENCES and sometimes God allows your wives to choose to leave because trust me the marriage bed is defiled by the behavior. My husband couldn't be intimate with me because of it and still has issues with it. It's not fair to me so for any other woman looking for advice, definitely pray about it but know that GOD gave you a brain and feelings for a reason. If you do not feel a peace about staying like I am feeling quite often, pray that God will reveal an exact answer so that you can go on with your life. My counselor finally told me that I had a choice and said PORNOGRAPHY is a grey area for those who choose to divorce over it. Some women see it as adultery and deep in my heart I feel my husband did talk to those women sometimes or wanted to. Don't be afraid to pay attention to your spirit. If it aches then there is something wrong.
Well, I see this is a subject that could continue on infinitely, which somehow demonstrates the eternal (at least until Christ’ s return and reign) nature of sin. And to think some believe we’ll “evolve” into better humans with time. (Well, that’s another subject.)
I’m replying because I want to thank everyone for there advice and words of wisdom and the person who thought to share this issue on the blog. I’m 45, pregnant with what I believe will be my last child, married for the second time (it’s going on three years) and again with a man who is unfaithful (at least in his heart). But again married to an unbeliever (girls, don’t marry unbelievers, its obvious enough that it’s difficult to deal with this problem when you’re husband is a believer and that much more so when not). My first husband didn’t have porn issues, he simply cheated on me, while working and living away from home (military) and chose not to end the affair during the time given (a year and a half) to make up his mind. My current husband is simply immature and has issues like many of us do from his relationship or lack of with his father, despite his age of soon 38, having married late and is used to doing what he wants when he wants, so he gets easily frustrated and bored trying to live out the husband/father role.
I too have had issues with lust, manifested in a different way thoughout my life and walk with Christ, but with the Holy Spirit’s help, it’s been under control for some time (years). (And like “Michael” who wrote a blog site on his testimony (thanks!), I was sexually abused by a stepbrother when about 6 or 7 years old, thus an entry into sexual issues.
Despite all of this, I do believe God has me fairly balanced and in line with His will concerning sex and the fact that I’m a mature women and pregnant, I still have a libido and romantic needs that my younger husband doesn’t fulfill. He chooses to periodically masturbate or look at other women, whether online or publically, and would like to attribute my issues concerning him with me being jealous rather than accepting his fault in the matter (though deep inside he knows he’s at fault and at times seems contrite).
I really don’t want to have another divorce. We have a 4 years and a newborn onthe way, and he tries hard to be a good dad and husband in all other ways (home, family life, etc.). He’s had a ahrd time, but has really progressed quickly with letting go of spending time hanging out with his bud’s all the time, being free to going to all of the office after hour functions (we live in a foreign country where it’s customary to have a welcoming and going away party for everybody, thus they happen almost every month), spending itme on the computer, reading, etc. He’s been used to being alone and doing things alone, and though at first, during our dating years he was ultra attentive (should have been a warning sign for me) and a great conversationalist, he’s reverted to who he really is, a nice guy who is selfish (I don’t mean it in a bad way, simply he’s focused on “him” and uses actions for others as justification for time ultimately for him, perhaps out of habit, but still the same, the results are he spends less and less time for us or me.)
These past years he’s focused on old friendships, including a girlfriend and a former love interest on his part, never given me a card or gift for an occasion (such as our weddiing or my birthday), except when confronted on the matters, not had sex with me for a month at a time and only if I initiate it, and simply not really included me in his thoughts or life, except as someone sharing a report of the day.
I’m sure you can tell from my comments that I’m down hearted and ready to give up (or at least, I’m thinking more and more about doing so, especially before the birth of our son due in a month, as I figure if we’re going to end up divorced, I should separate from him before the last kid can bond with him). I also want to run away (thus exposing my own issues and hurts), and simply return to my home country (not because I really want to, but would do better financially on my own, and also because I know he won’t make an effort to be involved in my children’s lives if I did. (I know, not a very Christian thought, but the truth of know I feel at the moment.)
I’ve tried to get him to go to counseling, it only lasts if I pay and I push or put up a boundary that I’ll not stay in the situation unless he goes to them. In all, I feel unloved and figure, you can’t force someone to love you, so why stay in this thing except for I hate getting another divorce and hurting my kids. I know I can make it, but I want so much for my second set of kids to not experience the pain that their elder brother and sister experienced, not me as a child of divorced parents. Somehow, I want to “make it and be successful” at this marriage thing, truly I want to please God and hang in there!
Oh well, this blog has enabled me to release a little pain and hopefully, God hears my prayer through this and will direct my path, as He always does. I hopefully will listen and heed His advice, whatever it is.
my husband of 4 years is looking at porn on the internet, before we got the internet about 6 months ago we never had a problem, but that has changed now. i have asked him about it when i first found his websites on the computer and he didnt deny it. i told him that it hurt me and made me feel betrayed. he got upset and didnt see what the big problem was. i cried and just let it go. now today i have found another website by accident and i called and asked him about it bc our 3 year old was sitting right next to me when it popped up so i was very upset and told him so. he said that yes he was looking at it a couple of weeks ago and that he was sorry it popped up that he would fix that. i am just stuck i dont know what to say or do. we are suppose to be a christian family. i just feel like canceling the internet but then thats not far to me if i need to get on for banking etc. i just dont know what to do. help anyone
thank you Adam for speaking up to Harold's advice. I don't want to insult Harold and I am not calling him ignorant, but the advice certainly is. Clearly he does not understand the damage that porn does to men and women. I am aghast that he would suggest such a thing. I feel really, really bad for his wife if he is married and frankly, i feel sorry for him. Lord help him. I am married to a wonderful man who chose to get caught in the web. I am available to him always. never use sex as a weapon or bargaining tool. I keep myself in the excellent shape and I very open minded…however, there is NO room and I have zero tolerance for porn in my household. I will not sit by idly while the enemy takes my husband down with this poison. I made him leave the house after finding more evidence of porn use and it is clearly escalating. I am praying. if there is real change we will be reconciled. if not, I do not believe our Lord wants me to accept this. Thank you Adam. God bless you.
sophie hi god bless my problem is your problem trust god read the bible look for verses pertaining to lust ' marriage love just go to the index read each word pick the ones that god leads you to and look them up make notes . write him a long letter letting him know how you truly feel about him first start with how hurt you are tear up paper and throw it all over the room while your writing this lettter because you will get mad then take a deep breath and tell him how much you love him how he is your love your life your world but not your god and you will always love him but god wants needs and loves you in return more always and honestly and you want that to share with him and him alone for ever.then you become a warrior for your marriage and for god dont stoop to his level pray,pray ,pray in front of him,with him and for him and remember always god will allow no burden larger than you can carry and print this for him Psalm 101:3-5niv
I will set before my eyes no vile thing. The deeds of the faithless men I hate; they will not cling to me. menof perverse heart shall be far from me; I will have nothing to do with evil. walk with forgiveness and grace you are a women of god let that be your first search in the index how god sees you.look it up thats all you need to know keep what you find and always repeat it to yourself.now from a mans view my husband Steve: (God's Love and Grace….Debbie)
Hi Sophie:
I was a porn addict
I have to keep close to God to be and stay clean.
He needs to get close to God to soften his heart and admit what he has done.
He has no idea of the pain he has caused.
He has committed adultery anyway you look at it.
And he has to confess this and accept responsiblility for it.
And beg your forgiveness (for years if it takes that). HE HURT YOU!
He must keep the look of pain on your face in his mind always.
His old self has to die, and a new one has to be born.
The new one will keep God first.
If he does this, the rest will take care of itself.
He cannot look at porn.
Not only porn, but anything that is in anyway sexual outside of marriage.
You are to be his only eye candy.
If, after reading your letter, he confesses, accepts responsibility for his actions, and begs your forgivenesss, AND IF:
You can find it in your heart to forgive him the way Christ forgave our sins TOTALLY:
Your MARRIAGE CAN BE THE BEST EVER!
I hope and pray that he will do this.
And if he does:
Give him the Best SEX you can whenever he wants it.
Talk, Communicate, Cuddlle and stay close to each others hearts, and above all stay close to God with or without each other.
God Bless You Both.
Steve
shame on you read more of your bible . SEX WITH ANYONE ANYWHERE IS WRONG UNLESS THEY ARE YOUR SPOUSE ESPECIALLY IN YOUR HEAD IF IT ENTERS YOUR EYES IT ENTERS YOUR HEAD AND GOES STRAIGHT TO YOUR HEART. I WILL SET BEFORE MY EYES NO VILE THING. THE DEEDS OF FAITHLESS MEN I HATE; THEY WILL NOT CLING TO ME MEN OF PERVERSE HEART SHALL BE FAR FROM ME; I WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH EVIL GOD LOVES THE WORLD THE WHOLE WORLD HE HATES SIN NOT THE SINNER.
do you still love him if yes than you will be miserable the rest of your life least of all you will feel like a failure i've been and am still in the spot you are in . you must think of your love for him and fight the fight of your life. talk together all night cry together and forgive together we must be like Christ he forgave his murderers completely. I KNOW HOW BAD IT HURTS. YOU FEEL GUTTED LIKE YOUR EMPTY HE RIPPED OUT YOUR HEART AND ALL AND ITS ON THE FLOOR AND YOU DONT THINK IT WILL EVER STOP BLEEDING . keep your chin up and talk to god all day right in front of him loudly. GOD BLESS AND ALWAYS REMEMBER GOD IS FIRST LAST ALWAYS …………………………………………………………………………………………………………….into infinity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
your an idiot
danny, thank you for explaining my situation… This is my life, my husband and me feeling what you just described>
kallison,
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was told the same thing…I use that because I am not getting what I need from you. That is completely UNTRUE. His addiction to porn actually has NOTHING to do with me. I wish these men would be real men and take ownership of their own issues and admit they have an addiction and do something about it. If the tables were turned they would not tolerate it if they felt like we feel. And the idiot that says "be a total slut for him"…that is a very self-centered approach… and who really wants to feel like a slut…not anyone I know!!
I agree with what you are saying about keeping the urges under control. I have been married a little over two years with my husband and this is the second time I found him looking at pornography. The first time I was extremely sick and pregnant with our first child. ( very heartbroken) This time I was pregnant too…not sick and have been intimate with him. ( also very saddening) Women: know that it isn't your problem. Men resort to porn because they feel anxiety, anger, not feeling good enough ect. They go to it just like an alcoholic turns to a drink. My husband wasnt open with me about this the first time. Then this time around I hit him upside the head when I found out and said things I shouldn't have said. ( but I am pregnant and emotional) He is now going to Sexaholics Anonymousness classes. It is a christian help center and it helps them stay accountable to each other. This is a life long battle. But LOVE covers a multitude of sins. He is on a trial basis with me. I dont know what I will do. The trust is gone and I know that he is undermatured emotionally in some areas. I am giving this to God. It has been one of the hardest things for me to " let go" and let God. I have lost my patience on this subject. I was married once before to a hard core porn addict and left. Both times I had no clue. I am also worried if I leave my husband now that he will get worse with his addiction and we have children together… so its complicated.
thank you allison for this advice. I think it is beautiful, and purely loving (what a marriage should be). I am only 19 I have two kids and I just found that my husband has turned to other resources for his pleasure leaving me confused, angry, inadequate, and unpure (amongst other things). He is 100 percent willing to do whatever it takes to make this situation better. In which I am grateful for but I am finding myself still angry and hurt by his actions. I have been searching online to see if there are any answeres and your post stood out to me (a Godcidence). Thank you
I have been married for almost 8 years we have two little girls together. My husband knew how I felt about porn before we got married and he told me he didn’t like it ether nor need it. Ha was that a lie! I don’t know what to do anymore I have cried about it I have gotten mad about it I tried to watch it with him and I just felt dirty and it broke my heart knowing that my husband watches these nasty woman. I’ve prayed about it and prayed about it and prayed. I’m feeling really drained and like I am losing my husband to it. I have never denied him sex or used it to punish him. Whenever he wants it I’m here for him. Lately he hasn’t even wanted it. I found a charge on one of our credit card statements from a porn website. I do not know where he looks at it because we do not have a computer at home. We used to and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’m so scared that my little girls will accidentally see something. I just don’t understand how a man can bring such horrible things into his home where his children and wife that he says he loves are. I have asked him why he does it and he told me he doesn’t know he just craves it that I shouldn’t worry about at least he is not cheating on me. But why does it feel like it? He would rather look at it and please himself than be intamate with me. I need some support or advice. I don’t want to give up on him but I feel like I am losing this battle. I don’t want to live unhappy for the rest of my life hoping he will over come this addiction and him never over coming it. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it or go to church. He was raised in church and believes in god. But one day we were talking about something and he made the comment about how he knows he’s going to hell why would he be ok with that! It brakes my heart. I can’t talk to him about this because he just gets defensive and it ends in a fight. I’m just so drained please give me some advice if u have any please…
Really bad advice! It is obvious that porn is against her morals. To advise her to get involved with this will only create further problems. Don't feed into husbands sickness.