Wow! The comments on Part 1 of this post were really even better than my article. As promised, I want to take a little bit of time out to make some observations, suggestions and propose some real solutions to what is a very real challenge for people, particularly single women, here in Atlanta and beyond. If you get a chance to look @ Part 1, it’s a quick and easy read.
- While I don’t agree with everything in Steve Harvey’s book (Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man), the fundamental message of his book is essential! WOMEN HAVE A TON OF POWER ARE SETTING THE BAR WAY TOO LOW FOR MEN. Let me explain what I mean – I AM NOT saying that women should wait for tall, dark, and handsome doctors and lawyers. I am saying that when women find any type of man, they make it so easy for men to live with them, have sex with them, get money from them, etc. that it creates a very vicious cycle not just for them, but for the future women that that man is going to move on to and for all of his friends that he teaches how to treat women. Men will step up, clean up, shape up, come up, etc. IF they know it’s required. And get this, most men will actually enjoy stepping up.
- Married men (like myself) need to do way more to be evangelists and promoters for all of the benefits of marriage. Rappers (even the many married ones) aren’t rapping about how good marriage is. Movies aren’t really displaying the benefits of marriage. Yet, millions of men are happily and succesfully married and have no plans on ever getting divorced. These men could do a whole heckuva lot to change the way single (and loving it) men view the benefits and virtures of marriage.
- In a society that increasingly acts like morals, values, ethics, rules, guidelines, or ways of living have no worth, it is not a surprise that folk think it’s acceptable to live any kind of way. Somewhere along the lines, the church has gotten the wrong idea that people don’t want to hear this stuff. Wrong. If anything, people are clamoring to know how to succeed and excel in life. The church has to be a primary voice that shows people real strategies and solutions on how to live a life that is both exciting AND pleasing to God. Both can be done!
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I personally would LOVE to see more pastors and spiritual leaders address this issue. I truly appreciate the fact that you recognize and give credence to it. Most pastors IGNORE the issue, because truth be told they do not really know what to do about it are afraid to do the WRONG thing. I have personally sat under GREAT teaching by some pastors who have been open enough to share their own personal dating, courting, and marriage experiences with Singles. It really helped to get some type of guidance. I agree that most singles crave information about how to do it right. I do not think that anyone really wants to be a "player" or promiscuous by choice. I think that in our hearts we all truly want to be loved, respected, and to feel the security of a healthy marriage.
Thanks so much for your blogs on this topic! I agree with much of what you said and want to add one thing: It's married couples – not just men – that make marriage sound ENTIRELY UNappealing! Married people need to work on making their marriage look like something exciting. Right now, ALL I hear from married women is how much work it is! I haven't been able to determine if that is God wanting me to have understanding, or if it's the enemy working to discourage me from getting married! But I happen to be blessed to have a job that I LOVE- it does not feel like WORK. So I truly don't understand this notion of a marriage feeling like "work." What you are called to do, is not "work" it's an act of love and service. I hope that married couples would stop presenting marriage as "work" to single people. Nothing that you love should feel like "work"…even if it is! This notion could be subliminally discouraging single women from desiring a marriage so they are settling for whatever relationship they can get!
It is funny that I was having a convo with an older cousin about Steve Harvey's book and how I refused to read it because people are, or should I say women, are acting like it is the Bible when it comes to men. My cousin pointed out that I should read it to understand and defend my views on the book rather it be for the book or against the book. So the book is in my line up.
I do agree with you point of men standing up for the joys of marriage and broadcasting it to the world. People always bring up that 50% of couples divorce…well what about the 50% that are still married. Although I am a single woman, I see marriages that work. I see couples who love each other and enjoy marriage, the joys and pains. It gives me inspiration!
As far as your comment on morals and values a old classmate of mine put a quote on facebook the other day that really blessed me…"unconditional love and unconditional acceptance of a person's lifestyle are two different things." I can love you unconditionally while standing up for the morals and valuse that I believe in and not been hateful. People have a hard time understanding that at times.
Thanks so much for even deigning to cover this topic. I know it is concern on the hearts of many Christian women, but as I've been reading your posts on the matter and even the post that David wrote on "Why You Can't Find a Good Man" I was reminded that we are forgetting or at least neglecting to mentioning one big factor, "Could it be that these women are single because it is God's plan for them in this moment?" I think an important thing to speak up about is being in God's timing for relationships. It's easy for us to get up, get out, and get something, but is that what God really wants?
Pt. 2 (Pop-up told me I was longwinded…)
So I guess the long story short is, "When do we just come to grips with the fact that the problem may not be women encountering the wrong men on the search but realize it's women doing the search at the wrong time?"
God is omnipotent and has every detail of our lives laid out until the last minute… I know people are tired of saying it's not in God's will, but what if it really isn't, then we are working in vain and out of God's will and we'll always come up short despite all this practical knowledge we've filled up on…Just my thoughts…
The issue is multi faceted and Pastor's do need to involve themselves in it and I am glad that you did so. Both women and men need a new approach for relationships. Although I agree that God has an appointed time for everything, I personally believe that the stand and pray method does NOT always work. I believe in prayer, stillness for the answer and then MOVING aka as faith in action. Almost every leader in the Bible was given a directive to move forward after praying and receiving a message from God. Marriage is highly touted in the Bible and I believe that if a person has a honorable intent for marriage – to grow, love and build with someone for instance -that they should look at healthy ways to approach fulfilling that desire – for instance women placing themselves in positions to be approached by men (not clubs!, LOL!!). I often wonder about how many people doubted Abraham or Noah when they started to build and how often they doubted themselves too about the message to move forward as well. They undoubtedly reaped the rewards with their decision to take a step forward.
Nikita -CONTINUTED
I think it is imperative that women are encouraged to look at where they are and to consider other areas to live in if the man to woman ratio is severley off in their town/neighborhood. I think women and men should be encouraged to look beyond cultural and societal constructs and date whom they have common interest with. There is definitely a need to talk about the importance of character, morals etc. within relationships. I think honestly examining relationships – both the pluses and the challenges should be addressed and discussed. I think we need to talk about how gender roles need to adapt in marriages for both genders too in these changing times.
Pastor Shaun,
I am so glad you are addressing this issue. As a Christian single woman, I am focused on living a life that honors God…and that includes celibacy until marriage. I don't have a hard time attracting "good" men. The problem is that many of them want "all of the benefits" of marriage without the committment. And this has become accepted in our society…even in the church.
I agree with your post, and I am looking forward to your suggestions.
I'm on the opposite end – I am also practicing celibacy until marriage, but I DO have a hard time attracting good men…or bad men. It seems like I am consistently overlooked. People tell me I'm pretty but I don't feel right dressing in such a way that seems to attract guys…and really no one seems to look in my direction at all. On the other hand, I don't seem to MEET many single guys anyway – if I do, they are 10 years younger than me, or they are divorced. And having never been married, I really don't feel comfortable having a relationship with someone who "just got out of a bad marriage."