Atlanta is a strange place for women and I’m a bit frustrated about it. Full of educational and career opportunities, women from all around the world move here and excel professionally. I’m serious – over half of the women in our church have at least a Masters degree or are working on a Masters or PhD. They are doctors, lawyers, models, teachers, businesswomen, actors, musicians, scientists, tech gurus, and everything in between. I’m serious, they have jobs with benefits :-)
On their own, they are the bomb. However, without fail, they are overwhelmingly single and highly disappointed with the market for men in our city. Men are either:
- Married
- Heterosexual and permanently single (loving the huge ratio of women to men)
- Sorry (permanently unemployed, cheaters, dirty, bad habits, abusive, thuggish, etc.)
- Gay (undercover gay, normal gay, flamboyantly gay)
- Caught up in the criminal justice system (in jail, on the way to jail, just got out of jail)
- Some men fit more than one of the above categories
Ultimately, here’s what happens – the women begin a relationship with one of the above men anyways and get hurt in the process. I’m not kidding when I tell you that we know women currently in dead-end relationships with every one of those categories of men.
I have some ideas of my own that I’ll share in PART 2 of this blog series, but first I’d love to hear from all of you (women and men) on how you think I can best advise women that are up against long odds of finding a good man.
{ 5 trackbacks }
{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh wow! I am so glad that as a pastor you recognize this dilemma within our city. I personally do not think that you can properly minister to women or men within the city of Atlanta without understanding the disparity between men and women in the ATL. I have only been here for 3 years and when I moved here I thought the whole idea of the "dating dilemma" was over exaggerated. However, now that I have experienced dating in the ATL myself, I personally know that their is truly a difference. As a single woman I am interested in dating, courting, whatever you want to call it for the purpose of forming committed, monogamous relationship with a man that has a relationship with God, is goal oriented, communicative, and all around fun to be with. Of course their are other things to add to that list, but it's pretty basic and you would not believe how HARD it is to get "just the basics". I have personally encountered men who are VERY dishonest, men who just disappear because they cannot juggle all the females they are trying to date at once, men who have ulterior motives, and a few other weird stories. I also have well educated, single, beautiful female friends who have encountered many of the SAME things. For me being in God's will and being truly happy with Peace in my life is of ultimate importance to me and I am not willing to compromise on those things. So if i have to "share" a man, chase a man, constantly forgive a man for unnecessary lies, etc. then I would rather remain single until a "good" man comes along. In the meantime I enjoy time with friends (both male and female). Atlanta is a beautiful city with lots to do. It would be wonderful to enjoy the arts, activities, and even impact the city for Christ with a significant other. The only thing that I feel that I can do in the meantime is TRUST GOD. Nothing is impossible for Him. If He could give Abraham a son in his VERY old age, then I believe that He can give me a wonderful mate in this mixed up city of men.
Hey Shaun,
I've always found that being direct from the get-go allows you to weed and seed through your prospects. Yes I know that this may not always work, but seeing that we are a "New Body Style" from what our parents were when they were out dating and courting. Thus, both men and women pretty much know what they want before even going out on a date and a good majority of them are no afraid to keep it real with you. Whether they are out looking for sex, a friendship…etc. The main error that we seem to make is…WE DON'T ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS. Ladies and Gentlemen, go out and don't be afraid to ask questions. Most people will be openly give you the answers that you want to hear if not asked. They will more than likely think that you are in an assumptive mood or don't care to know. Just as we had to ask questions about our majors, degrees, houses amongst other things we ask questions about in life. Just like our parents taught us…"No question is a bad question". These relationships include you and a portion of your life so…START ASKING QUESTIONS!!!
My comment might be oversimplified (because I know this issue runs deep) but you said above "the women begin a relationship with one of the above men anyways and get in the process" Answer: STOP getting involved with these same type of men. There ARE good men! I'm one of them, Shaun I'm sure you're another one. But we are married but at one time you and I were single and our wives managed to weave thru the crap and find us. So I am tired of women saying that there are not good men our there. Particularly these women who we've exalted as "the bomb" due to their education and careers, (which is another issue.)
You have hit a hot button Pastor. I am anxious to see all your responses. And I think you've just stirred a blog in me too on this one. Keep these good topics coming.
Ohmugosh! Happy Memorial Day to you as well…lol. Sigh…this is not just in Atlanta, sadly it is in any metropolitan city…same categories, same stories. The line that made my heart drop was: should these women prepare to be single the rest of their lives? I am working on a PhD, and I see myself as a wonderful catch. Yet, I am not blind to the fact that I have the LEAST chance of getting into a healthy marriage than any other group in this country. BUT, I serve a God who does not deal in statistics, logic or ratios! I am one who is full of HOPE, but it does get a bit depressing sometimes. I shall stand on the fact that God will grant the desires of our hearts. A lot of times people look at these women as the "perfect package," but God looks at the heart. Is our faith and trust in HIM, or the dim stats?! Nope, I shall NOT settle on a man from these categories…WEAK PEOPLE SETTLE!
I think that if educated, spiritually grounded, beautiful women could just "stop getting involved with these type of men" then life would be much easier. I truly wish for all my single friends, as well as myself that we could just AVOID these men and not have to go through the disappointment or hurt of being lied to or deceived, unfortunately it is not that easy. I personally have a very strong relationship with God, and have been extensively trained in the area of dating and relationships and even the best can be deceived by the antics of some of these men out there. It's not like they come wearing a t-shirt that says "I'm a Loser". Like the devil, they are cunning and crafty. They know a good woman when they see one and they know what TO say and what NOT to say. I do not agree that there are NO good men out there, but they are crowded out by the ever so prevalent presence of the lame ones.
Hey Shaun, I agree about many of the things you say and through all of this I know many good men who have the hardest time with women in Atlanta. I meet the women you talk about everyday. The thing is my closest friends who are men who are single or have a girlfriend and are not married, can tell the same story. We wonder how these women keep saying there are no good men available when we have 5 or six single friends who are guys who keep getting looked over when we treat women with respect and don't pressure them to do things they say they don't won't. We meet women who give us vague reason why they can't be in relationships with us and then because we have become true friends with these women, we watch them get dogged out by men who don't care about them. We talk to them and listen to them say things like they have a great friend who's caring and understanding and is a great catch and in the same conversation talk about the dude that they are physical with and how they will cut it off when things get serious with the great guy. I have asked many women how come they think that's possible. How do they even think it's fair to a great guy. The women doing that aren't horrible women, they just have gotten something mixed up. How come they think that God will allow that good man to be treated like that? I ask them how many times have they done this in the past and ask how did it work out. Well of course it never worked out because they are doing the same thing again.
Atlanta is a strange place for good men. As much as the ratio seems to favor men in this city. It does not favor a man with a good heart. I have numerous situations that I could type about from my frustrations and the frustrations of friends. I'm not a player and never have been. I have friends that aren't players and don't know how to be players. They know how to treat women with respect and courtesy. I've watched them chase after women who seem like a great catch and seem like they know what they want and what they deserve and then they dog this poor guy who's sincerity keeps that guy looking after her when she's troubled or needs help. She doesn't call the guy that she showers her affections on. She calls the guy who has been there for her through thick and thin. The guy she says never makes her feel like she's a terrible person no matter what she does. The guy who has never judge her through it all. What's crazy is most of these women never even know what they missed. Even after he becomes involved with another woman or moves on. They can't see what they had. I don't normally complain too much about this. I know that I'll meet that one woman who deserves the way I treat a woman.
See the thing is these women with all these great jobs and benefits and degrees are often very needy and that affects how they treat men in general. I would say they don't know how to treat a respectful man, but that's not true. They just choose to do whatever they want, because they think that because they are a woman, they can do and say whatever to a man and not be accountable for their actions. They do whatever they want because some guys have let them get away with any and everything. Some women don't even see a man as a person. I've talked to many who feel this way. They believe that men have no feelings just because he's a man. They think a man who does have feelings is weak and will let them walk over him, and when he does walk away from mistreatment, they throw out insults like, just like a man, always walking away from problems.
There are over 300 million people in the U.S. So this misconception that certain things are done by men and that men are the one's that do wrong and are heartless troubles me. There are many many people doing wrong and it's not about the sex of the person. A human is a human and women lie, cheat, steal, kill, curse, fight, envy and betray just like a man. Just as often as men do women do wrong. Education level, employment and income don't change a person's moral compass. The thing is in recent years, we have come to find out that sex is not the determining factor in intellect and that men or women have the same capacity for intelligent thought. Our physical differences on the other hand though seems to carry a disproportionate role in how we treat each other. What I'm saying is this mistreatment knows no gender.
Shaun,
This is a national problem. I have lived in Atlanta and now in Miami. I have seen this problem occur with myself and ALL of my successful girlfriends (we are engineers, teachers, assistant principals, medical professionals, media moguls, entertainers, and professional athletes). Particularly, within my circle of friends we find ourselves dating men that are intimidated by independence or professional success (owning a home, great salary or making more money that a man), men that are heterosexual and permanently or temporarily single (loving the huge ratio of women to men)…this starts at college, just look at the ratio of men to women at most colleges/universities. I know when I attended Spelman (97-01) the ratio was like 17 to 1, I can only imagine it has gotten worse or barely changed. And lastly, we find ourselves dating men that are “single husbands” (married but pretends to be single). With time and maturity it has becomes much easier to recognize ALL of the men you described and you move on to the next but this does make settling down not so easy. My prayer is that God gives me spiritual eyes & ears to see & hear his will for my life, including my love life. And that God give us intuition & a discerning spirit about men. That’s the best advice I can offer myself or any of my female friends.
I, too, am one of those attractive, educated, single ladies who is a homeowner, has great credit, a good job, has money in the bank, and no kids and/or baby daddies. I don't consider myself to be a good catch for those reasons, however. Most of those things don't keep a marriage and/or relationship together. Just because you have it "going on" professionally or financially DOES NOT mean you are 'husband/wife' material.
With that said, I have to sidebar another embedded variable in this underlying problem. Race. Most of us sistas, are dreaming for that aforementioned 'brotha'. What many of us have NOT considered is that he may come in a different color! We have been socialized to be diehard loyal to black men, while black men have NOT been socialized to be diehard loyal to us.
I have recently begun to date men of different races and have to admit that my eyes have been opened. At the end of the day, we all want to be loved, respected, appreciated, and cherished. I'm not saying there are no eligible brothas out there that can do this, I'm just casting a wider net.
Now with all that said. It's real simple. Just treat people in general the way you want to be treated and don't let anyone treat you any kind of way. You avoid hurting others and getting hurt. It's hard to put in practice and you can't control the actions of others, but it's easier to look at yourself if you know you didn't disrespect someone even though they have wronged you. And treat yourself just as well as you treat others, so that you can walk away from being treated like crap or a no good situation.
Shaun,
I am soooo glad that you are addressing this topic. I spoke briefly with Rai about it on Saturday. I definitely agree with the other posts, and I am trying to have faith that God will give me the desires of my heart, but it is really hard sometimes. Your comment about preparing be single for the rest of our lives has really hit home. So many of my friends are single that its scary. The other day I was told that 44percent of black women will never marry. That’s startling. While I know that God will make a way, it still stings to hear stats like that. I’m open to dating other races, but I don’t know where to meet people, since I’m not feeling the club scene. Its just sooo frustrating!
Looking back on my relationships and dating fiascos over my life, I have to take responsibility for why I have been in constant dead end relationships. Since I've started taking my spiritual walk seriously, God has revealed to me how much I have turned to Him for guidance in this aspect of my life. I am embarrassed to say that I've done little to involve God. The fact is, it doesn't matter how many men are gay/ambiguously gay/down low, players, easily intimidated by successful women, etc, I want the ONE man who God has chosen for me. There is no tactic, book (beyond the bible), therapist, friend, or activity that will resolve the issues of finding that mate except going straight to God.
In prayer, the Holy Spirit has instructed me to chase after Him. By drawing closer to Him, I invite Him to mold me into the woman of God He wants me to be. That woman also becomes the wife for the man of God He has chosen for me and mother to the children He will be blessing me with.____
P.S. Thanks Pastor Shaun for allowing me to volunteer at the church this past weekend. Avie speaks very highly of the Courageous Church as well as yourself. Clearly, he was right! Take care____
My wife was reading about a reverse problem in Alaska. Maybe by partering with some churches in Alaska you could find good Christian men for these women. I know it is not a perfect solution for all, but since both should be making good money a long distance relationship maybe the answer. Just a sugestion. I like your idea of the free breakfast to get people into church and we will be in prayer for you, please pray for us at Sharon Baptist Church in Pinson, Al. We are strugling to keep the doors open untill God gives us a vision of what He has for us.
God Bless
Tom
I believe that there are a lot of reasons for this, and one is society. Yet, in a city like Atlanta it can be understood. A women with her stuff together is intimidating for many men. and they will soon be intimidating for most most women. Yes, it would be easy to say that God will make away, but each and every night you tucking yourself in to bed. You and God start to not like each other, then women start lowering their standards just to have some body give them the affection they need. When it comes down to it, is the real problem the lack of real men or that many women look over the dude driving the honda for the dude driving the sports car. There are good men out there, and the ratio should not matter much, My wife and have been married for five years now, and yes it has been hard, at time I wonder what the hell was I thinking, but at the end of the day she is the one for me. I don't have a lot of money yet, but when I arrive at the destination God has for me, she will never have to work again. Women, being single is relative to seeing a diamond in the ruff. Put some pressure on these men, one of two things will happen, he will either break or become a diamond. It may take some time, because men develop slower, but if you really want a man. Start to look for him with the eyes of God, and not degrees.
I agree Ivy! Its two-fold. We have to equip ourselves with as much training and information about dating and relationships as possible. (It is out there!!!) And we must pray. The two go together.
Should some women simply prepare to be single the rest of their lives?
Some women? Sure some women should: Women that have given marriage a sober look and don't want to live sacrificially in the way successful married people do. Women that view the standard big city single life as more pleasing then following a life that has standards for living set by God. Women that are content with having a boyfriend. Such women are good candidates for life long singleness.
Should they settle for one of the categories that I described above?
I don't think so. I would hope that women would have a made – up mind to NEVER settle for the kind of men you listed above: Married Men, Ladies men, Sorry men, Gay men, Criminal men…and one more the Good man whose relationship with God is on the rocks. None of these kind of men should be considered for marriage by single women. No condemnation but these men all have one thing in common that disqualifies them: They all have life commitments that do not put YOUR interests and needs first. How can a man committed to crime keep a commitment made to you before a Holy God?
How can a married man separated or otherwise who cannot honor his commitment to his current wife be honorable to you when he becomes your husband.
This perceived shortage in available men is most prominent in the black community where 70% of women are unmarried. My prayer for our black women is that they will NOT limit themselves to men from our community. That they would embrace men of Godly character no matter what race they are. That they would be open to hear from God directly on the men that find them interesting, that ask them out, etc.
Only the things of God will last forever, and only marriages rooted in God can endure for a lifetime.
Thank You MrBlack, hit some great points.
First I must give a shout-out to Christine for her comments-they are right on target with my situation! I, too, am working on a PhD and find that my options are limited to those in the categories you listed. Ihave not been in a relationship for more than 2 years and I am o.k. with that.Quite some time ago I verbally and audibly told myself that there is a POSSIBILITY that I may be single for a long time or forever. Of course, I could settle for someone else's man, but I deserve better and more from a relationship. A lot of people say go to church to find a good man but that is not why we should go to church. Furthermore, there are some cheaters in church too!Someone else said that the devil comes in many shpaes and forms and they are correct. Lastly, I would like to say that single women often get 'pity' from their married or committed friends because they think being single is a bad thing like some sort of disease. Some comment about trying to fix you up…I guess they don't realize (at least for me) that I have NEVER had a problem attracting a man! I would rather be happy and single than married and miserable! Looking forward to Part II!
Ok, so let me ask you a question. What about the dudes that dont meet any of those criteria? We do exist, trust me. We're college educated, hold down good jobs, have our stuff together, but yet we get looked over because the "single ladies" are so picky? Too big, too small, doesnt drive the right car, etc etc. What do we do then? My advice? Dont be so picky and give the regular dude a chance.
Ok. I guess we all keep missing each other then. Some women are into guys with nice cars but when they get to know those guys, they are not right for them…they usually mistreat them. You cannot judge a person by his or her material possessions-it's not an indicator of the type of person they are. Perhaps we are all socializing in the wrong places!
Great post! And the comments are incredible as well. One thing I wanted to touch on is this issue of women caring about your material possessions, men. Yes, there are women out there who care what car you drive, the amount in your bank account, etc. But these are the women you should be THANKFUL have looked you over, since they really aren't concerned with the REAL you. So, please, stop stressing about these sistas and worry more about the women who are single, and every night praying for their future husbands (potentially you) and who are out there just waiting to meet you. Please don't lose heart; you may not be my future hubby, but you're someone's….and for her sake…keep at it!
lol. Yeah I guess we are missing each other. The point im trying to make about isnt about materality. There is always gonna be something wrong when the girl is sooo picky and judges before she gets to know the guy. Thats all I was saying.
There was just too much to say. I wanted to comment on everything. So I wrote a post to reply to the comments –> http://tinyurl.com/qsneqf
I know i'm a bit late jumping in on this, but i am just intrigued and can't help but comment. What my single friends and I found is that we as women are our worst enemy. We (as a group) make it bad for ourselves. I have noticed that women prefer and will settle for a piece of a man rather than not have one of their own. We are socialized to believe that we are not acceptable when we are single. Women are so desperate to avoid this stigma that we tear each other down and lower our standards in the name of "love" or "lust". Why should the men in atlanta or anywhere else have to be gentlemen and restrict themselves to one woman when they are so many that will settle for whatever little they have to offer? Why should they have to make an effort to impress a woman and live up to high standards (or any for that matter)? It's simple of a matter of human nature: People do what you allow them to do!
In the words of Drs. Tom and Beverly Rodgers, you are describing "The Singlehood Phenomenon." The kDrs. have devoted a book to this subject which outlines the top 10 reasons people are not getting married. The single young professional women do seem to suffer the most as their expectations are quite high for themselves and therefore their future mates. Men seem to struggle with rising to such high standards and so these women are staying single for many years. As one of the founders of Cache' Connections, a Christian matchmaking and community service, I want to let you know that part of our mission statement is to help address The Singlehood Phenomenon. We accomplish this by partnering with experts who provide relationship advice on our site and through our events. We partner with mega churches around the country and provide a service they can't provide, but yet support the church's mission of encouraging singles to form relationships based on biblical standards. We have had many singles tell us how much they have learned from this advice and are now able to be in a healthy relationship. You can check out Cache' Connections at http://www.cacheconnections.com. We will be holding an event on July 31st at First Baptist Atlanta where we will feature Drs. Tom and Beverly Rodgers as speakers. You can find information about this event under the "Events" tab. Please spread the word!
I agree with you Monise about the "pity" felt from the married people. I TRULY enjoy my single life to the fullest. I guess the married people have something really good and they just want us to experience it also. However, i am like you. I would rather be single and happy than married and miserable. You can be just as lonely with 2 people in the bed as you can with 1. There are thousands of married people that go to bed feeling lonely with another person laying right next to them. I think several people agreed on the fact that is about waiting for the RIGHT one.
There are so many responses and I am sure all of them are great in their own right. My take is that women need to first value themselves and understand the critical things they need/desire in their mate. Then be patient so not to allow themselves be fooled by wolves in sheep's clothing (in other words wait, ask questions, really get to know who you're dealing with). Lastly, and in light of the single ladies-independent woman movement, understand that you too are in need of refinement and stand to gain more in a healthy relationship then you stand to lose on your own.
I'll be looking forward to a Single Men discussion…we too have been hurt and backed up to the corner of mistrust when it comes to women. The power struggle is also another crucial place for discussion. Men and women need to both learn to properly yield to one another in relationship.
I was in a very ugly marriage, all of my own making… a few years ago God started teaching me about biblical marriage… and the differences between what God expects from marriage and what man does… I am beliving that God is walking me into a biblical marriage before long and it will be nothing like what we have been taught… the bible teaches of roles of a man and a woman, but society refuses to accept God's role for us and we are taught from the time we are young to not allow a man to hold us down or hold us back… a godly man would not do this anyway… he would want you to excel in your call upon your life… I am talking about kingdom, not world… and so if we allow God to place us in covenant with the person He has chosen for us, all will be a different world…. we just need to learn to allow God to make our choice and let the marriage be arranged by Him…
Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.
Proverbs 29:18
One element that has yet to be discussed is "How all of this ties back to God's plan?" If we go back to the garden we see that God created man and woman with specific roles. In effect they were created to be His vice-regents here on earth for the express purpose of expanding His kingdom. God has a vision for all of humanity and you are part of it. God's kingdom can be recognized in the bible as:
God's People
in God's Place
under God's rule
enjoying God's blessing.
That being said, I think a paradigm shift may be helpful here. Instead of asking God to send you someone who will satisfy YOUR needs, how about asking Him to satisfy His will? In fact He says as much. Remember this? See ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these other things will be added unto you?
I believe that God wants to bless men and women today with a spouse that honor's Him, but He has chosen first to grow us and to put Him back on the throne. If you need proof, just look at our LORD Jesus, he attracted men and women spiritually because He first honored and loved His (our) Father spiritually.
- Amen
In order to end this single hood dilemma one step needed is for men and women to be more intentional and affirming of one another in their male-female relationships. And stop wasting time on selfish gain for attention from the opposite sex that is not Christ-centered.
Good single Christian men and women need to stop complaining, waiting for the perfect 10, expecting a fantasized circumstance to happen, and holding out a strict laundry list, etc. Rather, they should openly share with one another their godly desires for a godly spouse, affirm each others honorable qualities, and encourage one another to grow. If we did this more we wouldn't be as tempted to go outside of the body of Christ to get a cheap form of affirmation. More possibilities would open up and this process could move along more efficiently than it is right now.
Not sure if this outlook helps when it comes to numbers and statistics, but this is what I've learned lately across the board and I just moved from the heart of Philadelphia to the heart of a rich suburban-like town in SW Florida. So far I see that the problems are the same everywhere.
I know a couple of ladies who swear by Steve Harvey's book.
http://www.amazon.com/Act-Like-Lady-Think-Relatio...
I generally find that the "good" men don't go out often. The shy guys are the worst . . . they go to work and go straight home. They barely go to grocery stores cause a lot don't cook (maybe they can, but just don't, IDK) Lots of the good men I know don't frequent the club or any after hours spots. They don't hit bars, or anything of that nature. They're more likely to be at the regular bowling alley (not 300!!! Its a waste of money and just a fashion show), Applebee's or the sports bar/lounge watching the game, IF they go out at all. So unless you work with them or holla at them at a stoplight . . . its going to be difficult to just RUN into them.
The advice I'd say to give these ladies is to make more male friends– like TRUE friends that you're not trying to date. Just get a clique of friends that is diverse and not all similar PhD, JD, and Master's having women. Even if its just one guy you know who's "acceptable" to be qualified as a "good man"; bring him into your circle and be a true friend. Birds of a feather flock together– bet he's got cousins, frat brothers, college buddies, SOMEBODY that has similar qualities as he does. Every encounter with the opposite sex doesn't have to end in marriage or prospectively end that way . . . you could just be connecting and meeting a great person/friend.
I'm an ATL native and 90% or more of the guys I know are good men. I'm amused when transplants have so many bad stories about dating in Atlanta. I really feel that there are two different cities/lifestyles going on here in Atlanta . . . the one that is projected and the REAL one, which is the Atlanta I grew up in. As natives we just frequent the usual spots we've always hung at and not the "happening hot spots" that get all the press.
For the ladies that are wondering, get in good with some locals (sane, regular ones; we do have wackies too, so avoid them). Their circle will be far and wide and considerably more 'dateable'.
I am an Atlanta native and can appreciate the comments made by many of you. I am a single divorced mom of a little boy. I consider myself a successful woman. I am a homeowner with a great career, money in the bank, retirement, 401k, annuities, investment accounts, etc… I have experienced dating some of the men described by Pastor Shaun. I have also had the priviledge to befriend many good men. Sometimes we can have a good man in front of us and not recognize it. It could be that he's just not what we want because, he doesn't make enough money, he has too many kids, there are countless reasons. Though we don't have to lower our standards we have to be real with ourselves. Are we asking for more than we're bringing to the table? Are we judging the men in our lives wrongfully based on earning potential, model looks, superficial things that may not even matter in the long run. I think that though there are many people that fit the negative descriptions of the types listed, there are also many that are the opposite.
Continued…..
Are we where we need to be to even receive the Man that God has for us. I still believe that He that findeth a wife findeth a good thing. I'm not even looking for a man but am preparing myself while believing that God will place me in his path that I can receive him and we can then live our lives together for God.
Gizzle,
Please enlighten us..where are some of the native hang-out spots? I would love to have some guy friends who are just friends because I love watching sports and my girlfriends don't….I have lived here for 7 years and I miss my male friendships…
Kimber, I would like to comment on this statement you made: Are we asking for more than we're bringing to the table? Are we judging the men in our lives wrongfully based on earning potential, model looks, superficial things that may not even matter in the long run.
I think this definitely works both ways. Men are very visual and women want someone who has the potential to take care of them..it's human nature. Men want women who look like Beyonce, fake hair and all, and women want a man with deep pockets and security. Now that most women have realized that it may not happen for them, they have taken steps to secure their own futures. The down side is that some (not all ) men are not comfortable being with a woman who is deemed more 'successful.' I have the feeling we will have this same discussion, in another forum, 10 years from now.
There seems to be a lot of hurt and unforgiveness intertwined in these responses. For all those who may have unforgiveness in their hearts, I recommend R.T. Kendall's book Total Forgiveness. It's a great book, and I teach it at least 2 times a year. It's a great book for all believers.
In response to Shaun's questions here are a few spiritual exercises I'd suggest.
1. Grace – The Grace Filled Christian is thankful for what they have and that thankfulness is attractive.
2. Compassion – Imagine the other person's perspective and ask WWJD?
3. Joy – Embrace everything with zeal, passion and excellence.
4. Honesty – Speak and act truthfully at all times.
5. Partnership – Be willing to help create the life you want.
6. Trustworthyness – Be true to yourself and to others. Trust is the only true currency.
7. Charity – Be willing to give your heart and/or your hands to anyone who is need.
8. Let your thoughts and actions be a sacrifice to God. Don't get caught in the blame game.
9. Let to forgive yourself and others.
10. Renew your mind daily.
11. Be humble
12. Be intentional about getting new perspectives (travel, try new foods, etc)
If you truly develop these things, your reputation will proceed you and your friends, family and co-workers will be enthusiastic about introducing you to new people and you will be well on your way. In short, be like Jesus and great people will find you because you are great!
God Bless
T
Wow, as I get older I go back and forth on this issue. When I look at potential mates and as I've dated in the past I realized that I started dumbing myself down (not sharing my degrees, accomplishments, goals, etc.) because I didn't want him to feel that I thought I was better than the guy I was dating. I think the best advice I can give to women is to really know who you are before you even enter into a relationship and not compromise who you are. I am beginning to see friends of mine slowly lose pieces of themselves because of men they are dating. I know God is not asking this of us and it makes me sad. However, I think many women do this because they subconsciously are just happy to have a man. We as women have to get out of this thinking and realize that God only sends good and perfect gifts.
I will be 31 is less than a month and of course I thought I would be married with 2.5 kids by now. However, at this point all I can do is trust God and look at the woman in the mirror and see what demons I need to clean out my closet in order to be the woman of God that will make my #1 man (Jesus) pleased. I have to be God's Leading Lady before I can be anyone elses.
Also, someone mentioned Steve Harvey's book. It really did wake me up from the coma I was in about men and dating. I realized that if a man TRULY wants to be with me he will do all (or close to all) of the things you need or ask him to do to be with me. I suggest that book. I suggest He's Just Not that Into, Searching for the Proverbs 31 Man by Michelle McKinney Hammond. Another book that helped me realize that my dating patterns all stemmed from demons from childhood was Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. Because seriously ladies and gentlemen we need to be whole before we met the one God has for us.
An Epidemic of SINgleness: God's Solution
(c) 2006 by K.B. Jenkins
I just read your follow-up post and wanted to read this one as well. This issue is one that is near and dear to my heart because I lived in Atlanta for 3 year and barely went on a date the entire time I was there. I happen to be one of the educated, "successful," women you describe, but I also try to be a godly woman. I feel as though we women really catch a lot of flack for our behavior – but we're not ALL out there making it easy for guys. In fact, those of us that won't are generally the ones who remain perpetually single. So my question has always been: when does someone ask the men to step up and be the men that God would have them to be? Eve wasn't brought to Adam until he started searching for a helpmate; Rebecca wasn't brought to Isaac until it was determined that he was ready. The only example in the Bible I can think of where the woman had to do something to get her huband was Ruth – even there Boaz had to be TOLD it was his responsibility to marry. So I was glad to see your follow-on post talking about possible solutions. I'm switching over there to leave a comment as well! :)
I so agree with you Shakera. I agree in that women are trained to think of ourselves as needing a mate in order to feel complete. We are indeed socialized to believe that we are not as valuable without a man and to wait for the day we are found by a man, in who we can then find our purpose. In the past I have been one of those women who have settled for less than what I deserved, just for the sake of having someone (who didnt treat me right). Now I am single and purposely so. Sometimes singleness is for a season and sometime its long-term, and in a lot of ways I am preparing myself for a fufilling life of singleness. I'm not sure what God has in store for me, but whatever it is I wont be anxious either way. I would love to meet a great mate, but Im trying to get to the point where I don't tie my self-worth into it. We are to find our hope in God and no-one else. I strive not to live a life of emanation.
Thank you for saying so! it was necessary and it got to the point. About 4 years ago a Pastor came and spoke to a women's group and basically he said that a lot of us were going to need to let the sheet down 3 times that there was not a color of man or nationality of man that was 'defiled' that we are the human race and we have different ethnicity. 4 Years later and going through a divorce with a black male. I have the shoulda woulda couldas. Thanks for being frank and putting it out there.
I know this an old post, but I figured I'd share…
I am a 25 year old African-American female in Atlanta and just got married August 1st to a wonderful 25 year old African-American man who is originally from ATL. Granted that we met while we were in college in South Carolina, he was and still is a great man in ATL and was single at one time. Before we got married he said that there were not many females in Atlanta that he wanted to pursue because he was looking for a girl that didn't have so many superficial standards and didn't always want to go to club. So, apparently, there are guys in ATL that feel the same way you do.
I think your post was great and spoke many truths. We as women have to take care of ourselves first and not put ourselves in certain positions to be hurt…regardless of how much we may want a guy…We have to understand that having a man in our life does not define our self worth. We also have to get rid of the "fairy-tale" romance that we think is actually possible. My husband and I have a lot of love and respect for one another. We also have a lot of fun and joke around with each other, but marriage in general is not always a fairy-tale and it's not always easy. Even if you find a great guy and you have a lot in common, it is still going to be an adjustment and difficulties that will come up along the way. No man or woman is perfect. When you find a good guy, you have to ask yourself if the things that you don't like about him will keep you from loving him and accepting him for who he is. I think single ladies should understand that it takes a measure of humbleness and realness with ourselves to get to the core of what might be going wrong. I mean, is it really a big deal if your guy is boring? Or if he doesn't have the type of job you think he should have? Or if he doesn't have a degree? Maybe you are the missing piece in his life to help him be those things that you think he could be to help him discover things about himself that he didn't already know. Please understand, you cannot change a man, but you can inspire him in a way that makes him want to be a better man for you simply by being a good, down-to-earth, wholesome woman. My husband and I did pre-marital counseling and our counselor told us that God brings husbands and wives together to help shape and mold each other for His divine purpose. He also shared with us that everything would not be easy and that a lot of times the same thing that you love about a person may be the same things that you don't like.
To all of the single ladies out there—the guy will find you in DUE time. When my husband and I decided that we wanted to get married, guess what, we were both out of work. It was a hard decision to make together because there was no income, but we made it together and now we look back on the last year and we are able to see how blessed we really are.
Please understand that a woman cannot change a man, but if that man loves and respects you, he will treat you differently than he has treated any other woman—AND it takes a mature man, a REAL man to be able to actually recognize that he does love and respect you and treat you like he does.
I hope this helps to shed light on this issue from a woman's perspective.
Thanks. :)