I came really close to starting The Courageous Church nearly 7 years ago. To get prepared, I asked about a dozen pastors what the hardest thing was about being a Senior Pastor. Time and time again the one thing that I heard over and over was how hard it was to see people that you thought would be around for a long time come and go. For some pastors, this was obviously very devastating and hard to handle.
For the past seven years I served as a leader and staff pastor at a megachurch here in Atlanta and witnessed first-hand how tough it could be for key people and families to come and go through the rotating door of the church. So, by the time we prepared to launch our church, I was pretty doggone ready for this to be a reality.
However, my buddy Chris Elrod gave me the best advice I could hear just days before our grand opening in January to prepare for the reality that I am already experiencing. Here is what Chris broke down for me…
Some people are going to be there for your ministry just for a very short season to help you get from A to B. Others may last as long as A to K (or even A to Z) and after you launch new people will come along down the road after things are stable that will stick with you from F to Z. Just love them and let them leave with an open hand when the time comes.
Steven Furtick said it this way,
“There are too many people waiting to be reached for a pastor to agonize over those who don’t want to stay. You have too much going for you to expend energy trying to convince another person to love you, accept you, believe in you…If someone can walk away from you, let them walk. Gracefully, with dignity.
Your destiny is never connected to those who leave. Build on the foundation that remains.
I thank God that I learned this lesson early! The challenge is, though, to not get jaded and not love people less because you know that they may leave one day. I’m going to continue putting it all on the line and let the chips fall where they may!
{ 13 comments }
i currently work under a pastor who refuses to let anyone leave… anyone. if people start to leave, he tracks them down and sets up a series of meetings with them–yes, i realize that this is crazy. nevertheless, i've learned two things from this experience:
1) [as you talked about] you have to let some folks go. it's best for some people not to be at your church.
2) each instance of a person leaving needs to be thought about individually. sometimes, although not all the time, some people simply need to be coached into the vision of your church OR require some individualized attention and need to be plugged-in relationally.
basically, i would agree with you that as pastors we have to be willing to let folks go gracefully, but at the same time, i've learned that not everyone who talks about leaving really needs OR wants to leave. it may simply be an opportunity for the church to shepherd and coach them into community and mission.
Shaun, this is timely for me because we have had several families to leave recently. They felt God was calling them to move on. I know that they spiritualized their real reasons. The ones who left were churched people, and simply could not make the leap to the kind of ministry that God has called us to – to reach unchurched and dechurched individuals. It hurt to see them leave and we made the mistake of chasing them down, trying to figure out how to keep them. Now, these families added value to our lives and ministry for a season and we had an exit interview and celebrated their service. Their leaving, however, reminded our leadership team of two things: Refocus our attention to those who we are trying to reach and if God has not given us those people to shepherd, then there is nothing we can do to keep them. So, thanks for this timely post.
I think that there is certainly a difficulty to losing people, but I think sometimes it's necessary for growth to take place.
Of course with church plants the numbers of A to B people can be radically higher. Steve Sjogren sometimes says at the first leadership meeting of a plant somthing like " You are all are excited and promising you will be here forever. Yet is stats are true, 80 percent of you will be gone in two years.
This is not necessarily a bad thing. It's just the way it is."
He goes on the explain that God sends some to be 'scaffolding' people.' These are A to B folk. Sent for a season to met a need. He suggests saying that up front carefully helps the pastor and others prep that way.
Here is a summary of that and advice:
http://tapdraw.net/2008/08/21/theyre-just-not-tha…
I think this is a timely comment for church relationships, but also for relationships in general. If we focus for too long on the people that walk away, our eyes do not see who is in front of us, who is down the road, and especially not on God, who never walks away. When people leave, it is an excellent opportunity to celebrate their presence (presents) that they shared, and it is also a great time to check ourselves to make sure we are walking on God's path. As long God is always the focus, we can never go wrong. Bless you, Pastor Shaun!
We are in the relationship "business," and the type of relationships we develop can range from "hello" to "they watched my kids last night," to “you are the reason I am saved.” The driver for us is to teach people to relationally connect with a real, living, loving Christ. When that happens, for me, it becomes very personal and I often find it is emotional to see someone accept this Christ I love so much.
The investments we make in people, especially early in the ministry, often are connected to our ability…our self confidence…our success. The trick…keeping it about Him, not us. At the end of the day, the relationships I needed (need), I have been graced to have them, in and out of the place we share in worship. Bro…it sounds like you have them.
Shaun, the cool thing about where you are, is you have the platform by which this discussion can be had publicly. Truest sense of transparency I have witnessed. If nothing else, it is encouraging us (the now leader) to (re)think about how we handle separation and/or lose in this relationship driven business to which we work.
Hey dear! I love this post. As your wife it is sometimes difficult to see people leave because I see your vision and see how hard you've worked to bring it to pass, and so when people "reject" it, it can seem like a rejection of you. But I thank God that you've learned that lesson early and that you have good advice to follow concerning thanking God for who He gives you when He gives them and for however long.
We've already seen that God hasn't allowed there to be any gap whatsoever. Anyone we thought we just had to have has been "replaced" so to speak by someone else. We're finding out-just like Abraham-that God always has a ram in the bush!
I would encourage you too to keep your eyes on God and what He's charged you to do and all other things will be added to you. I love you so very much, and if at the end of it all we look up and find that it's only you and I, and our 4 lovely children, hopefully we'll feel as though we've lost nothing, but have what we started with anyway (each other) and that we are stronger, wiser, and better for it all.
Not having experience building a church, my comment is more of a general one.
This is a tough subject that I have dealt with, too much for my taste :), this year and continue to, but what I've found in it was that you have to let go of what's behind you in order to grab what's in front because if you hold on to both you will move nowhere very quickly.
It is indeed an agonizing process that forces you to focus on the only one that has been and will be with you forever, God. After all, He was with us before we even were. God made me answer the question, "behind closed doors and in your spirit–who is really your God for real, them or Me?" As I struggled to learn and walk the real answer to this question He has made me stronger and prepared me to move in things that I wouldn't have been able to do with a spirit that depended on flesh.
At the essence of life, a tree would never be if the seed could never grow and shed it's coating or bird it's originall egg. I learned that those that you thought/think will be down with you like four flats for the long haul very well may not be, and that is ok and a completely natural part of life. The point is to still keep an open heart knowing that nothing but Him is really forever. When we do this we're free to love people fully at whatever point in the cycle of life that we are on with them, whether A, B, K, or Z.
Always remember that just because someone leaves your church doesn't mean they no longer love you and look up to you. Pastors shouldn't always look at it negatively. It's not always that way.
You are absolutely correct Lisa. Thanks for the reminder!
Thanks for this beautiful post Jinean! You really showed me how to apply the lessons to life altogether. Can I say that I hope you at least stay to Q? :-)
Hah!! Fo sho! I'm down till Z homie, unfortunately for you guys:]….ya'll got me for the long haul:P Hee…hee! (sorry for the ebonics ya'll…couldn't resist)
((THIS WAS ACTUALLY WRITTEN BY MY WIFE)))
Hey dear! I love this post. As your wife it is sometimes difficult to see people leave because I see your vision and see how hard you've worked to bring it to pass, and so when people "reject" it, it can seem like a rejection of you. But I thank God that you've learned that lesson early and that you have good advice to follow concerning thanking God for who He gives you when He gives them and for however long.
We've already seen that God hasn't allowed there to be any gap whatsoever. Anyone we thought we just had to have has been "replaced" so to speak by someone else. We're finding out-just like Abraham-that God always has a ram in the bush!
I would encourage you too to keep your eyes on God and what He's charged you to do and all other things will be added to you. I love you so very much, and if at the end of it all we look up and find that it's only you and I, and our 4 lovely children, hopefully we'll feel as though we've lost nothing, but have what we started with anyway (each other) and that we are stronger, wiser, and better for it all.