DISCLAIMER:: I try very hard to not just blog about topics that I am a self-proclaimed expert on (like the Ultimate Fighting Championship), but to share with the world my thoughts on issues and events that may be in-progress, incomplete, or worse (believe it or not, I am sometimes, wr..I can't bring myself to say it…wro….wrong.) Several months ago I blogged about how I hope The Courageous Church will approach the issue of homosexuality. I learned a lot from the comments that many of you made and even more from the very moving personal emails and discussions that were spawned as a result of the post. Let's learn together on this post as well.
Yesterday, I learned that a great guy that is a big supporter of my ministry and a supporter of The Courageous Church is openly gay…kind of. A nasty fart letting, gun carrying, fight-watching fan of Vic Mackey like myself tends to see people as either straight or gay, but I am learning that between straight and gay is a place called GRAY that is often very, very complicated. Learning that this brother lived in the gray area really surprised me and I want to take a risk of sharing my feelings with you with the hope that you will benefit somehow from my journey. I asked my friend (let's call him James) permission to blog about this.
I like James. He is a sharp, smart, very educated guy. He has been really kind to me and to our church. James has told so many people about The Courageous Church that people wonder if he's on our staff. I really like that. He has ministry experience, is gainfully employed, and is a hard working man. My type of guy.
So…when I learned that James openly lives somewhere between straight and gay on the sexual spectrum, my immediate gut response was disappointment. I thought to myself, "Oh man. James is gay. That's not good. This is complicated. Could I still have James serve in our church if he's gay? No. I can't do that. How am I going to appropriately let James know this?"
I envisioned a balancing scale in my mind and started listing all of the good things I know and like about James. I put the fact that James is gay (kind of) on one side of the scale in my mind then started putting his wit, his work ethic, his friendliness, his desire to tell others about our church, and more on the other side. I'm not saying that this is appropriate, I'm just telling you what I was thinking. I decided that I would write James to discuss these matters and was
very humbled and moved by his response. More on that later…
Then I started to think about how un-courageous and unlike Jesus (not to mention impossible) it would be for me to disassociate myself with "sinners". I had the rather goofy thought that even if I was in a room completely by myself that I would still be associated with a sinner because I'm one too.
SIDEBAR:: Unlike a lot of folk nowadays, I still believe in the idea of sin and sinful behaviors. For me, if I don't believe in sin, I no longer see the need to believe in Jesus. But I believe in Jesus. Even with all of my education, I still believe that a real man, who was The Son of God, chose to die a horrible death as a sacrifice that would bring me and you (AND JAMES) closer to God.
Hear my heart, I am all for healthy masculinity. I'm all for marriage. I'm all for a lot of things. But above all of the very important ideas and goals and values that I have – I AM FOR THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST BEING A PLACE FOR ALL PEOPLE.
What are we to say about the fact that Jesus regularly befriended (and called to a higher standard of living) men and women that others hated or were afraid to touch?
How complicated of a game is it to keep certain people out of the church?
How do we choose who we want to be in the church and out of the church?
How do we justify alienating and casting out a particular group of people over another group of people?
Lord knows that I want The Courageous Church to reach thousands and thousands of people with a real message of love and transformation, but I will not abandon (or step on) one group of people to get to another because I think they are somehow better. As a matter of fact, I may step on and over "the better" people to get to the one lost sheep. I've been told by some GLBT men and women that our church will probably not have to wrestle with the issue of reaching GLBT folk because of our stance on homosexuality (which I still think is pretty doggone balanced). I pray that this is not the case…particularly after James sent me this message. I will only include excerpts.
Some people do identify me as being gay. Others often assume that I am
playing a game and that I am just really a straight guy who likes the
attention of being assumed to be gay. You read correctly I do not like
labels as it relates to identity. As for me if I had to
place myself inside a category I would say that I am either Bi sexual
or Non Sexual.
When I first learned of your church, I was
attracted because of the encouraging words you told me when I was a
freshman in 2001. I doubt you remembered but you never knew the issue
or situation surround my needing encouragement. This is a good place to
insert that. I attempted suicide twice just before coming to Morehouse
and twice after I arrived. And I was struggling with the issue of
sexuality. I assumed God was punishing me on behalf of my father or
ancestors. I had trouble trying to understand why I felt the way I did.
A little more background I used to be a Baptist minister. I
actually even assisted at a local baptist church for a while. I resigned
because I felt I was living in conflict within myself.
Back to
why I attempted suicide. When I was young I was molested by an uncle
and older cousin. I was victim to crude sexual acts and penetration. I
had no home support because my mother was mentally ill, and my father
was abusive and an alcoholic. So when I began to enter into a
realization of my sexual identity there was some confusion. I wondered
why I felt attracted to males and females. I knew that being attracted
to males was unnatural. I began to wonder if I was gay because I was
molested or if I was molested because these family members knew I was
gay. My freshman year I joined the International Church of Christ, and
discovered that if I did not find peace with this issue I would end up
killing myself. You convinced me I had something to live for. That is
why I am still here.
So at this point I revealed to my family
about the molestation and they called me a liar and a faggot. I have
not heard from my father since then. I saw my mom for the first time
since 2002 in June of this year.
I went to seek professional
help. I went to the wellness center on campus and was often referred to
outside doctors. When I began to talk with people on campus about what
I was going through. I learned that not all gays were victims of
molestation and not all victims of molestation were gay. This was a
turning point for me. I began trying to find peace and tap into my
authentic self, beyond the issues, environments and circumstances.
Today
I do self affirm as I stated above as Bi-sexual or Non-Sexual.
Bi-sexual because I am attracted to both genders, and would we open to
a committed relationship/marriage with either one. Non-sexual because I
have not reached a point in which I am willing to engage in sexual
activity with either one. So I have chosen to abstain. This does not
mean I believe LGBTI people should. But I have just tried to focus my
attention on being as close to God as possible, and realizing spirit.
It gets a little lonely. But gays seem to reject me because I am
conservative and do ascribe to a more conservative, traditional way of
life (Go McCain) and mainstream reject me because although I do not
engage in acts, I do self affirm as a member of the LGBTI community. So
I have been from church to church and became turned off by it. So often
now I don’t go. (Church for those who don’t go to church?)
As
for your second question, I do not mind if you blog about the
experience. I do apologize for catching you off guard, with the issue.
I read the statements of faith on your page. So I was aware for your
standing. Although I have never found everything I needed in one place,
and while I know God is the abundant source of all, I didn’t expect to
find all the spiritual, encouragement, affirming love and support I
need in one church either. I actually removed certain pictures of me at
rallies and other events, so avoid that attachment being made to your
church. So I guess you understand my reluctance to become more involved
and engaged.
As you can see from the title of this post "Your Gay? No Way! OK." I went from surprise, to denial, to a deeper level of understanding after hearing from James about who he is. I still have questions for James and I am sure he has questions for me, but if I close the door now – neither of us will find the answers and be worse off for it.
FINAL CONCLUSIONS:: Doggone it, life is complicated. Life is hard. The world is complex. I don't know everything. You don't know everything.
But God knows and understands and cares about us ALL.
Ultimately, I am not interested in having a people-pleasing theology that makes GLBT people feel like everything is OK or makes homophobic people feel like it's fine to bash and alienate folk, but I want to build a community of faith made up of people that give everything they have to live like Jesus. If the worst thing people have to say about our church is that we take Jesus way too seriously, I'm OK with that. I have a feeling it's going to be a wild ride!
