This week I am taking off the mask and baring some of the funny and difficult realities of who I am. Don’t get me wrong, I am comfortable being a role model for people, but I want folk to know that I have struggles today and have had struggles in the past just like them.
About three weeks ago, I wrote one sentence in a post on an entirely different topic that received more private emails that anything else I have blogged about since we started six months ago. In stating the stance of The Courageous Church on homosexuality, I said this,
"My sin is not homosexuality, but I have struggled with pornography and had a period in my life where I struggled with exaggeration and honesty in the name of status and comfort."
Within hours I began receiving emails from all around the country from men and women thanking me for sharing this, asking for advice, seeking prayer, and wondering if I would blog about the topic more. I still receive these emails almost daily.
Just yesterday a woman concerned about a male friend asked this,
"Hey…I
saw where you were saying that you once had issues with
pornography….how did you overcome it? The reason why I’m asking is
because I have a friend who I believe is sexually addicted. He knows
that he has a problem but doesn’t know what to do about it. It is hard
for me to minister to him because 1)I’m not a man, so I’m not sure what
I say actually relates to what he’s going through and 2)he is
struggling with having faith in God. He attended church for a while,
but got discouraged and stopped. He doesn’t believe that prayer or
counseling will help him.
Do you know of any resources that could help him? Any help that you could give will be greatly appreciated."
First off, let me say that this lady provided a whole lot of information and expressed a ton of wisdom in that short little paragraph. I’ll cater my response to her scenario.
- Don’t try to be the Ben Franklin of overcoming pornography by inventing your own way out of a tough problem that others have already overcome. Do what this young woman did and try to find a real person that can talk about what it took to overcome pornography. More than ever before, resources and testimonies are out there for those that are interested.
- To overcome an addiction to pornography you have to know you have a problem and you have to want to overcome it. I love Richard Pryor. He was one of the best storytellers of the 20th century. After he overcame his addiction to crack and cocaine (and set himself on fire), he joked about how he had friends that would say, "Shoot Negro – I’m not hooked on this junk. I’ve been smokin’ it and snortin’ it for 12 years. If I was hooked, I’d know by now!" Those guys were too dumb to know they were addicted and lacked the desire to overcome it.
- It was said that this guy "doesn’t know what to do about" his struggle with pornography, but as a general rule I don’t believe that one bit. A grown man (or woman) knows what to do to overcome pornography, but just doesn’t want to do it because they like the way that it makes them feel in the moment. Let me deal with the practical now and the spiritual in a moment. If you are addicted to online porn and WANT TO OVERCOME THIS ADDICTION, cancel your internet service at home. Leave your laptop computer at work. Totally clean the porn files off of your computer. Put a serious porn blocker that you pay $25 for on there. Don’t tell me you don’t know where to find the software – because you know how to find BigJigglyBoobies.com so I know you can find the software. Put a free accountability program like this on your computer that sends a few people an email every time you look at porn. Put me down as one of your partners if you’d like. If you are watching Porn On Demand or something on television, cancel your cable service or throw your television out of your window onto someones head. Call your cable operator and tell them to block all PPV from your home. If you are struggling at hotels, before you get there, ask them to block all PPV from your room. If it’s a magazine subscription, cancel it. These things will then eliminate the easy access to pornography that the enemy of your soul wants you to have. This is important because most people can overcome not going to the Kinky sex shop to get a video, but struggle with the easy and pervasive access to porn. If nothing else, eliminating the easy access will give you a breather to begin focusing on the final two things I want to talk about.
- It helps me to have a whole host of reasons to not look at porn in the same way that I have a few hundred reasons to not cheat on my wife. Your crazy brain can trick you out of one reason, but can’t trick you out of 100 reasons. I believe looking at porn is a waste of my time. My time is short on the earth. People are dying. Me looking at porn doesn’t help make the world a better place. My wife doesn’t want me looking at porn and I like for my wife to be pleased with me. I wouldn’t want her looking at it so I don’t. I don’t want my kids looking at it and I like being a good example for them. I wouldn’t want my kids to be in pornography and think of the people in pornography as somebody’s son or daughter. If being in porn is wrong or is a sin, then what does it make me as a watcher and supporter of someone elses sin? I am strongly against the degradation and sexual abuse of women around the world and feel like pornographic culture adds to the ease in which men can abuse and mistreat women. Many people in the porn industry never intended on being in the industry and want out. By watching it, I feel like I am adding to their misery. I value the Bible and what it says about love and sexual decency and feel like porn falls outside of that. I said all of these things to share some of the many reasons I have to avoid porn.
- Finally, 1 Peter 5 encourages us to "cast ALL our cares/anxieties upon God, because He cares." It is important to know that the word "cast" in this instance means to throw or to launch far away. When you and I throw our problems to God, we take our hands off of them and create real distance between ourselves and our problems. When I am having a problem that I have tried to fix and solve all by myself, I ultimately get to the place where I break down and "cast" that care over to the God who cares! I encourage you to do the same thing.
In the meantime, I have five resources to share with you that have helped me in the past and help me today.
- X3Watch - the free accountability software that I mentioned above.
- XXXChurch -offers a ton of valuable resources, advice, etc.
- This very honest blog post by Perry Noble – the awesome pastor of NewSpring Church in South Carolina.
- This message from Perry Noble about sex and the interviews there are very revealing.
- The Deadly Viper blog always gives me great, raw, practical advice.
{ 16 comments }
Awesome post , my friend.
I struggled with porn for over 20 years before I realized that I could make some moves to overcome it.
Thank God for people like you who are honest enough to share their thoughts with people who are going through.
May we forever be REAL, with ourselves, our God, and with EVERYBODY else.
Shaun,
Thank you for responding to my message. I am so encouraged by you and the things that you are doing with your life for others. May God’s blessings continue to reign upon you and your family always. I will pass this info on to him. I am anxious to see what others think about this subject.
I believe that you are so right about him not knowing what to do; I think that he does know and needs some accountability. He has other issues that he needs to conquer as well, but this is one major stronghold in his life. Whenever he feels like he can’t acheive something or if something goes wrong in his life, he goes back to this, instead of God, which the enemy is counting on that he’ll do. This sickness not only affects the person with the issue, but also those who happen to care about the person as well.
The part of your response where you talked about casting your cares on God is one in which I believe as well. I believe and have told him that he must totally surrender to God before he can move forward in his life. He knows this and agreed.
For those of you out there that knows someone who is addicted to something, whether it is porn, sex, drugs or whatever, know that life is choice driven. I have realized that noone can make someone else do something that they don’t want to do for themselves. The most and best things we can do is 1)pray 2)refuse to be ANY type of enabler but hold them accoutable and 3)pray some more. That’s it. We, as those who believe in God, are mandated to compel others to be saved; NOT to be the savior ourselves.
Man, I love this blog and I appreciate the courage necessary to be honest about something we simply don’t talk about enough. You sir are great for this…I’m going to link this to my own blog, and get you that song within a couple of weeks MAX. I’ll be in ATL from 16th-22nd too, so let’s get up if possible. Much Love.
Hey David,
Thanks for your honest comment and sincerity man. We can help people overcome the challenges of life by sharing some of our own.
Take care,
-Shaun
LaNeitria,
Thanks for your original question and your very good comment. Please keep me in the loop in the days ahead and let me know if I can help in any other ways. Not sure if you are already a part of a church in Atlanta. If not, we’d love to have you as a part of our team.
Take care,
Shaun & Crew
J. Kwest,
Hey Man! Thanks for coming by and commenting. I hope you are doing well. Thanks for your support and encouragement. Hope to connect with you soon.
-Shaun & Crew
Shaun,
Thanks for your transparency. I believe that the issue of pornography and sexual addiction dominates FAR more people in our churches, including leaders, than anyone dares to admit. As you were, I was also one of them. Part of what held me in my addiction for so long was the shame of feeling like I was the only church leader struggling with such dark sins. Of course, I now see that that was just pride in disguise, as I didn’t want my status as a leader marred by the admission that I was somehow flawed. I came to see that there was more at stake than just a personal reputation. At stake was my communion with God, my family, my influence in the Body, and ultimately, my entire future. It’s imperative that we as leaders are open about ALL of our struggles and how desperately we need God to overcome them, and I’m grateful that you are courageous enough to do so!
Hey Shaun,
Thank you so much for the invitation. Unfortunately, I don’t reside in Georgia. I live in Birmingham, AL, but I do go to Atlanta from time to time. I’ll be sure to look your church up the next time I am in town. I would most definately love to come when you open your church next year.
Take care,
LaNeitria
This is good stuff. I personally have never been addicted to any kind of porn, but if you put most any drug in front of me, and there was a time when I was like pac-man with that stuff.
A lot of your advice is relevant in both scenarios. Most importantly, to me anyway, was accountability. I locked myself in my room, threw up, shook, cried, screamed, and had a few good friends who would watch me, and answer my phone for me, to deter the dealers..
God literally sent some of the best people into my life at that time, and helped me through withdrawals without a clinic or therapy. Definite “Delivery”! It’s amazing, Your story is amazing. More living testaments for Christ!
Thanks for taking off the mask! That takes a lot of guts.
Hey Andy,
Thanks for your comment and for your transparency man. Addictions all have similar qualities and can be overcome. Overcoming it with God is far easier than doing it in your own strength!
Take care,
Shaun
Thanks for being honest! We need more men who can stand up and share what they have been through, confessing their deepest issues and how God has transformed them.
You may enjoy checking out the Covenant Eye blog some time: http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog
Have you heard of Covenant Eyes accountability software?
You have given some great suggestions to overcoming porn. There are steps that we must take ourselves and then I feel we need to turn to others to help us through the hard times.
There's a new website that I have just released with a few pastor (and other) friends of mine. We have all been delivered from pornography's grasp, and God has allowed us to see ways in which our culture (and the church!) has embraced lies about our nature as human beings. We believe these lies have provided the soil that porn addiction needs to flourish. And like Jesus said, when we know the truth, the truth will make us free (John 8:32). When we reject the lies, we will find lasting and real freedom. The new site is found at mychainsaregone.org.
There's a new website that I have just released with a few pastor (and other) friends of mine. We have all been delivered from pornography's grasp, and God has allowed us to see ways in which our culture (and the church!) has embraced lies about our nature as human beings. We believe these lies have provided the soil that porn addiction needs to flourish. And like Jesus said, when we know the truth, the truth will make us free (John 8:32). When we reject the lies, we will find lasting and real freedom. The new site is found at mychainsaregone.org.
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. :) Cheers! Sandra. R.